So uh...

Yeah I've got Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim now.
So uh...
Yeah it might be a while before I write anything else.
Or write anything period, be it internet blog or my name on a piece of paper.
MUST NOT LET SKYRIM TURN ME INTO A SOCIAL SHUT IN/LAZY MESS.
HOWEVER MUST PLAY SKYRIM.
AHHHHHHH
Dark Elf People Problems, amIright?

Tired, Incoherent Thoughts With Too Many Typos

Well, it's 1 o clock, about an hour after I should be asleep, resting after this long ass weekend, in preparation for my 9 am wake up tomorrow. But instead, here I am, right on schedule, blogging while listening to horrible old whiskey music supplied to me by my buds R. and J. Not Romeo and Juliet, mind you. I love them, but the music they play sounds like shit. But I'm listening anyway, because every now and then they'll play an ancient song that I actually know and like. Not often. Actually only once so far tonight.

Anyjay, much like Mitchell and Cameron at the end of last week's episode of Modern Family, I have escaped the rut. I actually escaped it two Wednesdays ago but was far too busy being happy and loving and loved by the world to blog. But I must blog tonight, because I've done some cool things recently and I have some thoughts to muse. I warn you now. There will be typos aplenty. I guarantee you this. I misspelled my girlfriend/old acting teacher's last name tonight, so no word is safe. Just think about how many times I've written my old teacher's last name. Or about how many times I've scribbled my first name with my girlfriend's last name on my binder in gel pen. No word is safe. So please, baer with mem.

I:
-have very sore legs due to lots of dancing/working/chasing
-found $100 bill on the ground outside a metro station in DC (well, the girlfriend found it, but I picked it up, so I get allllllllll the credit), which I then used to buy all 10 of us some motherfuckin Platos late night food. It was a good time. Hopefully now they all think of me as philanthropic and the best person ever. Because...I pretty much am. No entirely unselfish act, eh?
-That same night, chased my dumb motherfuckin friend down route 1. Like...3 times. All out of stubborn rage. It was exhausting and definitely led to my legs dying even further. But he was being such an asshat! Trust me. Hey, Wengel, if you're reading, just know, fuck you for running out of my car. I'm still grudge holding.
-Had sex in a rehearsal room in my old theatre dept. Yup. Have fun trying to figure out which one! Still waiting for someone to bring it up in Never Have I Ever so I can see their faces when I dramatically lower my finger.
-went to the Renaissance Festival on their last weekend. Probably for the last time in a while, what with the move and all. I just learned that Maryland is one of the few states that holds a Ren Fest and that BLEW MY MIND. It isn't a common thing? Typical silly maryland-raised kid. Always thinking Renaissance Festivals are everywhere and that all museums have free admission.

This last one, upon much tumbling in my mind, and strangely enough, after listening to the Dropkick Murphy's Shipping Off to Boston on my ipod on the way home, led me to some very strange thoughts.

I'd like to travel. I'd like to go to lots of places with a friend or two and just drink, have fun, and interact with the locals. I want to go to Tokyo. Dublin. All the fun places and just...sight see and be somewhere else around different-y people. Although with a few like-minded friends so I don't get lonely. Shipping Off to Boston got me thinking of this because it's a very heavily inspired Irish song (or some shit whatever I don't know) and it got me thinking about how I made a pact with one of my good friends that we would go to Ireland together and do nothing but dick around, drink at the pubs, be festive with locals, maybe pick up a freckled red-head or two. Generally soak up the Ireland-yness of it all. And now, at this crucial juncture in my young adult life, it seems like I'm never really going to get to do this. Or any of my travel plans for that matter. Not for a good while. Because right now I have to move to LA and work and act until I become a celebrity and make tons of money. This is my top priority. Should it be? Yes. I'm young, I must take advantage of my youth while I have it. But even if I do manage to achieve this ridiculous pipe dream, god-willing, any of my plans I then do in my ample celebrity-fueled free time will be skewed with celebrity juices. Unless I'm not big internationally. Or whatever I don't know this all sounds so arrogant to type out, but I want to be able to buy a ticket somewhere and soak up a foreign culture for a few weeks and then roll out to a new place. Must be my middle-childyness that makes me want to keep on moving and experiencing new things and people. Lord I was born a ramblin' maaaaaan.

In conclusion, the ultimate would be to become famous by getting my own travel show where the Travel Channel or Comedy Central or really any channel with money pays me that money to go places with other comedians and crack jokes/have fun for the viewer so they don't have to. That would be...just the best. Or maybe it's my hedonistic/always hungry for new experiences in life side that wants to travel and see new things. I don't know. But I am quite afraid that if I never get to do these cool travel ideas I have in my head, I will be a quite disappointed old man. Life should be lived, right? So maybe the best way to live it would be to spend 10,20, however many years it takes, on the road, backpacking around the world and rambling around until I feel satisfied, then go for stardom. By then I will definitely be a somewhat old man, and the stardom will be...well, not wasted...but certainly not enjoyed to its fullest.

My friend K. was right. I should just be a hobo with her and travel around performing random odd jobs here and there, learning silly things and doing silly shows.

I could never live that life.

Right? Yeah. But sometimes I wonder.
Fuck you, Dropkick Murphys.

Trying to Regain Normalcy...

A lull, a rut, a funk, a depression. Whatever the hell it's called, I think I may be stuck in one. I woke up today and tried to pull myself together. And it worked a little bit. But not as much as I wanted.

I hope this is just some bullshit phase that I'm going through. Some horrible fucked up biochemistry thing to do with an imbalance in my brain's chemicals and shit. I hope that it's not actual things in my life that are just piling up and shitting all over my soul. In fact, I'm like...90% sure it's just a phase, because two weeks ago I wasn't feeling this and nothing has really changed since then.

Other than the fact that Cheesecake orientation for new servers started up last week and I am STILL not in the server training courses. Maybe it's all steming from the fact that I am so fucking done with that restaurant. I don't think I give a shit anymore whether I become a server or not. It's too much work. And honestly, my last few months in Maryland should be easy-going and lazy, not scrambling around, stressing about how to be a server right and whether I'm making enough money. So you know what? I don't care anymore. I mean, I still kind of do, of course. But I'm done giving a shit what these fucking dumb ass managers think of me anymore. I'm done with nice happy me-on-my-best-day Jayme. At least at work anyway. I GAIN NO FULFILLMENT FROM MY JOB.

Maybe that's moreso what the problem is. I feel like the most under appreciated piece of shit at the joint. Curbside gets shit on by everybody. We are the lowest rung on the totem pole. While not entirely true (bussers), it certainly does feel like that every day I go in. It's a real Rodney Fucking Dangerfield in there. No respect. No respect at all.

And possibly the worst part: because I have no job satisfaction, I don't feel comfortable enough there to be myself. So I'm spending most of my week not being myself at a job I don't want to be at. That can't be good for one's esteem. I need to be doing what I like to do. Like writing comedy. Or acting. Or anything in between.

Well I'm going to hit the sack soon, I've got to be up somewhat early tomorrow for this new routine I've started. I'm trying to exercise/meditate every morning as some sort of half-hearted attempt to 1. meditate more 2. exercise more 3. get me out of this shitty ass mood I'm in.

And I'm sorry these last few posts have been so negative. Believe me, you have no idea how hard it is for me to write these. If I so much as think of being a depressing black-hole of happiness around people, I start to feel like I've done something wrong. I overthink. I'm a people pleasing, social obligation haver.

I don't know how to handle non-happy, non-energized, non-jokey Jayme. He's a complete stranger living in my body and I can't seem to find the eviction notice.
Dude, get out. You haven't paid your Rent. I am Benny. Fuck Off, NY artsy-fartsy bohemian AIDs-riddled hippies (who in this metaphor will be representative of evil Jayme and the bad feelings he brings with him). You have 525,600 milliseconds before I go medieval on your lame asses. I got too much shit to do and too much fun to have to be dealing with your shit.

Toodles!

Rated ARG for Pirate. Fuck You!

Sorry, no funny opening line today, because this is an angry rant entry.

I woke up late today because I knew that I had a lot of sleep to catch up on. But five hours after I woke up I realized that I was STILL TIRED. I am sick and tired of being so god damn tired all the time. I don't know what it is about my body lately, but it is so lame and tired all the time. Maybe I'm having a mono flare-up or something, which I've read can happen and which would make a lot of sense. Or maybe it's something else. I don't fucking know, I don't fucking care. I want it to stop.

I went off to work today in the worst fucking mood.
This drastic change in mood made me think about different things.
Things like
-LA or Chicago. Fuck...really, LA?
-My family. Sometimes I fucking hate all of you. There were certain things today that happened that I am so fucking done with but can't tell you to your face because I have to deal with you. Until I move that is. See bullet point above.
-I don't know why I have so much anger. Why am I getting so mad at all these things? The things were not that big a deal. Or are they? I don't know anymore...
-I want to hang out with my old friends more. I want to hang out with some new friends more. I cannot do both of these things. Not on my travel budget. Who to hang out with? Should I strengthen the bonds of a long-standing friendship? Or should I begin the blossoming of a new one? Fuck. And then there's old ball and chain. Gotta hang out with it! And then there's the girlfriend! Gotta hang out with her! And then there's the wife! WHAT TO DOOOOOOOO
-Sometimes I think I get tired of people and I need time to myself, away from people, to just...be me in private. And I don't mean that in a masturbation way. Probably moreso in an masturbatory way...There is a difference. Kind of.
I think I need more of this alone time.

I am under the influence again. hoooooooray! But I needed something to quell the hot fiery rage of Jayme, and influence-rs won. This may be the last time I get under the influence in a while in case I find out that it's my influencing that is causing the angry/tired/social repulsion. In which case I would have to say goodbye to influencers.

But for now, goodbye to you! Goodbye to my blog on a frog on a log that I found in a hole at the bottom of the sea!
Time to get some motherfuckin' sleep!

Musings on Fame

So I was listening to my ipod on the way back from work today, as I am known to do, and a song came on that got me thinking. The song? Kickapoo by Tenacious D. The topic? One I know too well, and yet not at all. Fame. The song is about Jack Black's journey from his childhood/teenagehood to adulthood/Tenacious D-hood. And it reminded me that I haven't written up the thing I've had written up since last Spring that I mentioned in one of my earlier posts. Yup, just checked, I mentioned it in the one where I was TUI. Typing under the influence. So...here's the backstory.

I was sitting in my friend's car, coming back from Ocean City, in June, reading My Booky Wook 2 by Russell Brand, and all of the sudden I needed a pen and paper because I had words spilling out of me with no where to go. My mouth wasn't an option so they ran into my hand, straight through my fingers, where they itched and burned terribly until I got a pen into them and funneled all those volcanic thoughts through some molten ink onto some regular flimsy paper. And here's what they said:

"I've never really known what people mean when they say they have "religious experiences" or when they have this unwavering blind faith in a deity for no reason other than they just have this strange, foreign, instinctual feeling inside them that they don't understand and is beyond their comprehension. They don't know how they know God exists, they just do, based on this powerful magnetic connection (tether?) they have with Him that they cannot put into words. This feeling, this strange feeling, is the only one I have found to compare to this feeling I have inside me. This constant, unwarranted-ly positive, and yeah, kind of religious feeling I have in me that I am destined for fame. I've had this feeling buried in my stupid little head and heart my whole life, but as I am now on the precipice of a major step towards its ultimate fantastical climax, (Editor's note: More like beginning.) its pulsing and scorching withing me with greater intensity than ever before." (Ed's note: That's all I wrote, picking up now from where I left off)

...Like a horcrux sensing it's imminent death. Or the Foe-Glass mirror where the picture of my enemies is getting clearer and clearer. Except instead of death and Snape, it's happy things like success, money, fame, artistic fulfillment, and total self-confidence.

Oop! Just looked down and saw some other things I wrote down, scratched onto the side of this weary sheet of paper, which didn't make much sense. But they did contain another Harry Potter reference, so that's magical. I have some words written to describe the feeling, "nagging, unexplainable, non-sensical" and "Like I am Harry Potter and Fame is my Voldemort, driving ever closer to put its finger on my forehead." Wow, writing it out, it sounds pretty much exactly like what I just wrote above about the horcrux and Foe-Glass. Great mind thinks alike, I guess!

There's a line in Kickapoo where Jack Black says that Hollywood is "the city of fallen angels", which sounds like a perfect description to me. Tons of pretty, talented people ("angels") flock to Hollywood all the time for fame and get shot down all the time. And I had this frightening and kind of awesome thought that if I do go out there and get shot down for a good 20-30 years, I will become a true fallen angel. I'm talking the original fallen angel Satan. If my dreams go unrealized for too long, they will burn a massive destructive black hole in my heart that will pull in and crush me and everyone around me into a singularity of Fuck You. I will lose faith in the world, hate it, and purposefully and pointedly destroy everyone around me's life. Sort of an "I'm going down, so I'm taking you with me and by the way I'm going to rape you the whole way down" attitude.

Of course, I will never ACTUALLY become like this. I don't think I have it in me.
Plus I'm far too sure in this feeling of mine.
But it's fun to think about, right? No? It's scary?
Well then let's pick this blog up again with some happy thoughts.
THIS FEELING IS REAL!

I'd like to close (at some point soon please, says my stomach, I'M HUNGRY) by saying that I realize how ridiculous and pridefully delusional all this sounds. But everything sounds like a delusion of grandeur until it comes true. Then it's just proof of a really really really good intuition. Or divine fate. Or biological imperative. Or something else. Karma maybe. Or I was an ant in a past life who had it really rough, got killed by a scorpion defending his tiny human friends whose father shrunk them with his shrink ray (or something), and so I get to lead an awesome human life. Or my blind optimism, insatiable thirst for attention, and ridiculously unyielding determination. Or Lord Xenu smiles upon me because my midichlorians are off the charts. Whatever the reason, cool. This feeling must be that boulder from Shrek and I must be Donkey, because I like this feeling. It's a niiiice feeling.

G'bye! I smell a Crusted Chicken Romano with white parmesan sauce in my immediate future. But beyond that...who knows? All I've got is a feeling.
But you know what? It's Boston. Know why?
Because it's More Than A Feeling.

Blog Entry in the houuuuuse toniiiiiiiight

We gonna celebrate and read the thing right! I don't know the right way to read a blog entry. If you figure it out, let me know. Also, someone please get Party Rock Anthem out of my head, because this might be the first case of a "Song Stuck in Head for Life Syndrome"

Hello world! I'm back. Which is proof that that last entry was not the typical "once every 3 months" post. I aims to write in this spunky little blog more and more frequently. As long as I have the time to. Which recently, I have not. But fortunately, I have been making time to. Another thing which is holding me back is this silly notion in my head that if I blog too often it will get boring, which is quite the opposite, really. The more I blog, the more specific and interesting things will get for you, the reader. The less I blog, the more general and vague I'll have to be. Which will...well, suck, for you. And for me. Another thing that holds me back from blogging is this fear that I have. It's a very annoying fear that I developed as soon as I got to college, really. A fear that everything I write has to be perfect. I mean, I AM a perfectionist, but as of college it really grew to a point where writing was filed under "a huge undertaking that must have much time and energy devoted to it". Which is doesn't have to be. Some entries are going to be not as good as the ones before it. Just look at the last one. And some are going to be brilliant. Hopefully I can work past this and one day blog at the end of all my days. OH OH, another thing that I use as an excuse is lack of time. Which is totally true, but still, I shouldn't let it stop me.

I wrote a list of things I can do in my free time on a post-it note in my room.
Because sometimes I forget what my options are and what I should be doing.
The list is as follows:
-nations of the world (memorize this animaniacs song to win a bet for $3.)
-book reading (I have many books I have to read)
-Breaking Bad (episodes of season 4) (also, every other tv show I have to watch)
-meditate (trying to do 30 minutes a day, at least 3 days a week)
-jumprope? push ups? (trying to keep from becoming one of those weird skinny people who somehow is also super unfit. that shit's messed up.)
-PvZ, Torchlight, Pokemon White, Super Mario Galaxy 2 (all video games I'm playing)
-Contact juggling, magic (physical dexterity skills)

I'd say it's fairly good grab-bag of things. While the theme of the whole list seems to be "Neeeeeeeeerd!". Which is funny, because that's exactly what I was called the other day.
Walking down Route 1 wearing my big ass backpack full of clothes/dvds/my laptop, a gaggle of West Virginia University goons, drunk off their ass from either their victory or defeat over Maryland, stumbled by me. "Going to class on a Saturday?" one, presumably the leader as he walked in front and his feather plumage was the most colorful, inquired. "Nah." I eloquently replied. Satisfied with my response (or not? They weren't stopping their drunk stumble-trek), they carried on. About 10 steps later I hear from behind me "Nerd!", to which I, clearly looking to throw down and show my dominance and general alpha dogginess to these brutes, turned and called, "Oh yeah! You got me!". HA. Nothing like HARD sarcasm to show those inbred Virginian lunkheads whose boss. Thank you super British sarcasm genes. Once again, you've helped me regain my rightful place among the Sun. I can't believe they actually called me a nerd. For two reasons. One: I don't think I've seen/heard the "Nerd!" call-after in at least 10 years. Not since...I don't know...The Sand Lot? And two, they called me a nerd for ALL THE WRONG REASON. I'm fine with being called a nerd, I am one. But if you're gonna call me out on it. Please. At least do it for the right reason. I guess I do believe it. But I don't approve of it.

Other things! I helped out with Sketchup auditions last weekend. It was awesome. I love the group and all the people in it so much. Plus, all the attention of being a returning alumni and having people care about my opinion in an area that I actually have some authority in. So when I get to help out and people are really counting on my input, plus I get to relive my glory days, it really feels great. It looks like they picked some good kids. My girlfriend auditioned too and while she was not picked in the final cut of the group, she did make it to callbacks and for that I'm super proud of her. Hell, I'm proud that she auditioned in the first place. All my girlfriends should strive to be like me as much as possible, right down to the latex mask of my face I politely require them to wear whenever we're alone.

I think I'll start a podcast. Two friends of mine suggested I do so. I think I will.
SO BUSY AT CHEESECAKE FACTORY BTW. Worked doubles all this week so far. No more after tomorrow.
COMMUNITY SEASON 3 TOMORROW!
CHILDISH GAMBINO - 2 CONCERTS IN THE NEXT 2 MONTHS AND I'M SEEING BOTH OF THEM
I'M SLEEPY
Night ya'll

Well...fuck

Anyone know how to do this shit? Contact me please!
Much appreciated.

Testing 1, 2, 3

Alright ya'll, this is a test. I'm trying to hook this blog up to my tumblr so that when I update it, it'll shoot right on over there. Because it's time to amass all my tumblr fans. I know I made a lot of lofty promises for the next post in that last post I wrote, but let me comfort you by saying: 1. I was not in a proper state of mind to make sure large promises. 2. This is a fake post. It's not real. Don't panic.

So if this doesn't work...fuck.

We Want The Funk...

...Gotta Have That Funk, Ow. And I mean it. We really do want the funk.
Like, really badly.
Like, really badly.
Like, a lot.
Like, a LOT a lot.
Like, look, just give us the funk, okay? Seriously, just quit being such a bitch and hogging it to yourself. We HAVE to have it. You're not going to stop us. Who do you think you are to stop us? You only have the funk as some sort of stepping stone between people who normally "Gotta Have The Funk". What I'm saying is, you don't gotta have the funk. And that's bumming us out. Cause you should. So either give us the funk, because we gotta have the funk, or just fucking START WANTING THINGS IN YOUR LIFE. GO FOR THE FUNK. YOU DESERVE IT. Trust me, it's a good funk, you want it. But if you're not going to ever want it that badly, and you know that, please, for the love of christ, just GIVE US THE FUNK. This is our last correspondence.

Can you tell I'm writing under the influence?

Because even I can, and I'm under the influence, so if even I was able to grasp the sarcasm lining that sentence, it MUST be reaaaaaaaally obvious.

Well this is certainly an interesting way to return to my good ole blag after like...a season. I was looking at my older entries before this one and I realized that recently I've been updating once every season. Take a look. Go ahead. I'll wait. Done? K cool. SEE? The last post was in May and this post is in September. Actually, we technically JUMPED a season by that logic, so I guess my initial theory is out. God damn, I just had far too awesome and busy a summer to have the time/energy to blog. HOORAY! I guess this is a good thing? Mayhaps.

I do have a good number of things to catch you all up on.
Well por ejemplo, I have acted in and completed two shows since last I wrote. Pandora and R&J, which both kicked major ass and were super wicked fun to be in.
Spent all of August up in NY pretty much and had butt-tons of fun in NYC, hanging out with the R&J crew/friends who reside in NYC. While in NYC, I also ate at this amazing ninja themed restaurant Ninja New York for dinner and then went to the broadway show The Addams Family with them. That was great. Rocket ship.
Oh also I'm dating a girl. She's great. She's also a rocket ship.

So that bout sums up my summer.
Still working at cheesecake factory.
Still not a server. Although there was a brief period in late july where I was told I was about to be put into a server training course. But then I was in NYC all August and basically missed out on the course. So now...there's another course coming up. And I better be in it. Or heads will roll, dicks will fall, and asses will be cut.

I'd let to catch up to all the things I've wanted to say to you all over the last 4ish months, but it will take far more than one entry to do that (of course), so I'm not going to try to hard in this one. A few random topics that I know will be coming up soon are: Dexter, Breaking Bad, Pandora experience, R&J experience, theories on love and fame, moving, happiness, and sex.

Yurp. So that's something to look forward too. PIZZA BREAK.
Okay I'm back. Except you have no perception of any time having crept past us, do you? No, you don't. Because I stopped time. Because I'm a super hero.

Well I'm starting to think it's getting a might bit late to be typing around, so I'll be hitting the hay soon, but I'll let ya'll know right now that my next post will definitely include this bit I wrote in my friend's car coming back from Ocean City...in June. Ugh. Man. That was a while ago.

Well hokie smokey artichokey, (that's how I would talk if I were a father talking to his 3 year old son/daughter.) I'm gonna pizzle. Not pizza. Not piss. Not swizzle. Peace. You guessed it. Bing bing bing!

-Pop POP

Woop dare it is!

What up blog! I'm b(l)ack, after a long vacation. When was the last time I posted in this thing? Like...winter break-ish? Jeez. THat's a while ago. See the thing is, I don't really write in my blog unless there is something, usually bad, pressing on my mind. And life has been...well...good, lately, so there hasn't really been a need to write.

UNTIL NOW.

Just kidding, life is still awesome right now. But I do have some things that I wanna flesh out in my brain-mush, so I'll do it.

But before I do, I just want you all to know that I almost changed my blog design and layout before I wrote this entry. ALMOST being the key word. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, I've grown too attached to this weird white-Nickelodeon-themed abortion of a color scheme I've got going on right now. So I kept it.

Also, I actually went back to some of my older entries and read over them. For a few strange reasons actually. One, to see the kind of repartee I have built up between myself and my readers. Which...yeah, is a strange one. I just reread the sentence from a blog entry or so about where I shared the thing about how I feel when I pee. So...there's that awesome little tidbit. (haha, actually, that whole entry is pretty awesome if I do say so myself. AND I DO. It's the one that starts "I've had more sexually satisfying pisses") Speaking of that line,(AKGJKJGKIJ NOOO. SUPER ADD ATTACK AND I CAN'T STOP IT) I'm going to write another blog entry after this one with another line of mine that I want to write in some sort of movie or tv. More on that later. ANYWAY, the second reason why I went back and reread my old entries was because sometimes I forget my own writing style. Which doesn't make any sense because my writing style you'd THINK would come naturally to me, being my writing style and all. But no, sometimes I need a refresher. Like a nice, refreshing Brisk Iced Tea (Insert Jayme Here now brought to you by Brisk Iced Tea. Mmm, that's Brisk, baby!).

So, aside from my writing style and general life peculiarities, something I'd like to discuss in this entry is my imminent move to...move to...? That's just it, I can officially come out and say that I don't know where I want to move again. Yes, I'm back here. Back to waffling in between Chicagos-town and Los Angeles-ville. They both offer such great and different things. But I have just spent the last 2 months telling people that I have "definitely 100% decided on Chicago", so I'd hate to make a liar out of myself (HA. Like I don't do that every day of my life forever). But what I want to discuss is not the Where of my move, but rather the Why. The What and Who are far too easy and the How is just stupid.

So...why? Why move to a faraway place that is not Washington DC and force myself into an entirely new house/culture/collection of friends? Why basically reboot my acting career in a foreign land when I could just stay here and use what connections I have to build up a robust and potentially still end up where I want to end up in life? Well I'm feeling pretty doubtful now after all those biased rhetorical questions so I suppose I'd better answer them by the end of this post or else I would end up not moving. Thanks a lot, rhetorical questions! Once again, you are the dicks of the questions world.

So...here's why: I am a victim of and beneficiary of my workaholism, ambition, idealism, ego, and hedonism. If I were making an adjective star (w00t w00t say what THET 325/425, especially you mitch if you're reading this which of course you are because, come on, how could you not) those words would definitely have prominent spots on it. My workaholism and ambition push me to be constantly working (duh) and striving towards my ultimate goal. So if I am not either consistently auditioning, acting, or training to improve myself, then I feel like I'm wasting time and a voice kicks in in my head that tells me I suck. It's quite inconvenient, actually. So I COULD stay here in DC but I would be taking very very long-term steps towards achieving my ultimate goal on on-camera comedic acting. But I could very easily build myself a comfortable, happy life here as an actor here in DC. Isn't that stupid, though? That's where my idealism comes in. I COULD have a very safe, happy life here in DC and build long lasting friendships with my current friends who are going to stay here. Or, OR, I could take a risk and win big. I could take a huge chance, a once in a lifetime opportunity, and move to the place where dreams have come true and even more dreams have been dashed against the jagged edges of the Hollywood sign. And something about that prospect is just too enticing and alluring for my ego and my hedonism to handle. My ego tells me that I need fame and attention to thrive and my hedonism tells me that Hollywood after parties are AWESOME.

So that's that. (By the way, I've noticed that most of these serious paragraphs have started with "So". Don't worry, I'm conscious of it.) So, this horrible and horribly wonderful hodgepodge of characteristics inside of me will not allow me to simply stay stagnant and work my way up slowly. Long story short, I HAVE A MONSTER INSIDE ME WHO GOES BY THE NAME OF INSTANT-GRATIFICATION AND HE IS HUNGRY AND BECAUSE HE IS INSIDE ME THAT MAKES ME HUNGRY TOO AND...WELL...you see what I'm saying is...I'm gonna go make me a celebrity sandwich. I know there's a lot better actors out there than me, but they're satisfied with theatre. And that's good. Good for them because they are happy and good for me because they won't move away and steal my parts away. They say that (Woody Allen, actually, I just looked it up. And if he said, it must be good because that guy totally did his step-daughter so...he must be good? Just go with me on this.) What? Where was I? Oh yes, they say that "80% of success is showing up." That's what I'm doing by moving away. That's me showing up. I hope you're ready for me, success.
And, uh...I hope you like cuddling? Because I'm totally gonna do you like you're my step-daughter. Wait. No. No. I'm sorry I got confused. That's bad. Not like that at all.

BYE BLOG. Let's do this again sometime, k?

Today (Yesterday) was Friday, Tomorrow (Today) will be Saturday, and Sunday Comes Afterwards (still true)

Hey blingity blog,

It's been a while. 2 weeks or so. I keep making excuses not to write in you but eventually I got to a point where I'm so full of critiques and ideas about my psyche that I just have to type them out.

Tonight's topic: Idolatry and Danger.

Okay, so one thing I've known about myself for a while is that I tend to idolize people that I meet in my life. Usually the qualifications for these people are
1. Needs to be a guy
2. At least my age but more often older than me
3. Really funny
4. Usually good with girls
5. a bit of a rule breaker

I've noticed this pattern in most of the dudes I've idolized. And what happens when I decide that I need to become this person? Well first of all, they're put up on a very tall pedestal. After that, I either become good friends with them or don't. If I do, I soak up every positive quality I feel they have until I feel like I've learned all I can learn from them, and possibly even improved upon what they have to offer. We stay great friends, we're equals, and things are awesome. If I don't become friends with them, I never become fully comfortable around them and then are usually pretty awkward around them, due to my adoration of them. I'm afraid of saying something they won't like or won't find funny. That's usually a pretty shitty road.

So I've noticed I do this, and I wonder if anyone else does this.

Anyway, this leads right into my next point: Danger (for those of you too slow and/or lazy). Becaaaaaaaause I just saw an old friend of mine tonight who I used to idolize, still kind of do these days but for different reasons. These days I envy him because he has ultimate freedom.

He just does whatever the fuck he wants. Free of consequence, free of public judgement. He reminds me of Russell Brand at that age, a total fucking badass with no regard for the safety or well being of himself or others, doing and trying everything in life, with good and bad consequences but either way, getting an awesome story out of it.

I don't know whether its the ridiculous sense of "always trying to be a good person to everybody I meet" thing that my parents seem to have instilled in me or whether my delusions of grandeur for stardom are more powerful than I ever could have imagined. Because I definitely do find myself saying, "Now you don't want to flick that guy off, what if that person turns out to be a famous casting director or something and he remembers you and you don't get the part!". Or even worse, "Don't do that, because if you do it and then come off looking like an asshole that girl's going to write a whoooooole long ass blog entry about how she fucked the famous Jayme Bell (not the ballet bitch one) and then [Sunday comes] afterwards he treated her like shit." That's a fun little mind scenario to run.

But my friend, for whatever reason, has a beautiful, inspiring lack of disregard for what people think. And in doing so, he in my head, gives off an aura of danger. A certain "I could do anything at any point because I have a complete and utter lack for what you think". I admire the FUCK out of that. That's just...so much balls.
So I respect the shit out of him, and hope to hang out with him more, in an effort to soak up all his dangerousness and thrilling freedom.

Haha, that sounded pretty gay.
But seriously, I want to suck up his freedom juice.

Good talk.

Friiiiiiiiiday.

"I-I wanna be bad."
-music legend Willa Ford

confession time

Yeah, I like to cuddle and fuck. And sometimes not necessarily in that order, either.

i've had more sexually satisfying pisses...

...is a line that I am waiting to use either a) in my life or b) in a movie or show I write. It's funny because when I pee, I actually do receive a abnormally large amount of sexual pleasure. Is there something wrong with that?

Anywho, I know I said I would update tonight, and knowing that there are literally two hundred thousand million people out there awaiting this entry with bated breath, that is the only thought spurring me on right now. Because I am butt ass tired. Because my week has been crazy busy.

I'm doing this whole juggling two jobs thing, which wouldn't be too bad if one of those jobs didn't keep requiring me to wake up at ungodly early hours of the morning and then perform/feign enthusiasm in front of hundreds of young supple children. It's fun, don't get me wrong, it's just exhausting.

This week has been full of fun and news and stuff! First of all, I figured out that I am most definitely hard of hearing in my right ear for some reason. Not only that, but sometimes (in my right ear only) all the sounds I hear get all static-y and weird. I'm sure that's normal and that everyone experiences this as well, but just in case they don't, I'm going to a doctor sometime soon to make sure my ear isn't going to implode or explode or sexplode or frogandtoad or anything like that.

Secondly, I could be acquiring a good deal of money soon, and not even from my jobs! More on this later, as it may not be legally beneficial for me to speak of this now.

Thirdilally thirdilally golly what a day, I've been reading My Booky Wook (by Russell Brand). I'm 5 chapters in and I'm already quite confident that I've found a new comedic idol. He is just such a freaking genius. So now my comedy idolization triforce is thus: Russell Brand, Andy Samburg, Conan O Brien. So I'm going to be a mixture of all three. Hope you're ready world. Actually, with each passing page I read in his book, the more and more sure I am that I am actually going to enter into hollywood fame one day. I grow more and more confident and determined by the day that I will do/have everything it takes to be a super fucking comedy genius actor. So...confidence/determination = instant success, right? Damn straight the answer to that is yes. You are DARN TOOTIN, EVEN.

Speaking of me and my optimistic if not healthy, delusions of grandeur, I've had a recent swelling of self-confidence lately in my abilities/myself in general. Most likely because I am making money doing two things that I know I'm good at. My ambition drives my sense of worth. Interesting. Aries all the way baby.

Alright, well, I have many more good ideas for blog entries that I'd love to write right now, but am not going to because otherwise I will fall into a dormant hibernation for 18 years tomorrow morning sometime in the middle of my performance, so I will save them for another day (don't worry, I wrote them down for you).

By the way, If you think my writing is ADD-fueled, you should see Russel Brand's.

Okay okay, I've given you mongrels what you want. And you'll get more later. You just have to be patient.

OH shit! I almost forgot. Jamar Tracy Rhea and I won trivia night at elephant and castle this week, Pokemon Black and White comes out this sunday, and my 23rd (yipe) birthday is now officially less than a month away. Guess which one of these I'm most excited about!

(here's a hint: Tepig.)

Quote of the night: Ian Bell: "I'm just hungry AND THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT!!"

dear you

dear people who check this blog,

thank you for doing what you do. I love you. Thank you for bearing with me during this dry spell of blogginess. I am way too busy. Your dedication will be paid back in full tomorrow night, I think.

Love,

Your God, Jayme

time for a change?

I've got a lot of problems.

I'm extraordinarily shy when it comes to meeting new people without any friends there.

I'm constantly trying to gauge how people view me.

I'm always changing myself instead of sticking to being who I am and saying "if you don't like it, fuck you." Granted all these changes I consider to be improving myself. Which doesn't sound like a bad thing, but it usually comes out of me trying to please people. So that's lame.

And one new one I just discovered last night. I overcompensate for my insecurities with energy, showing off, wearing stupid things to make myself stand out, and loud noises in general.

And it only seems like I do this around people (or persons) that I'm not 100% comfortable being around. Either I feel I haven't entirely won their friendship or I feel that I have some sort of reputation of "nutty goofball jayme" to live up to.

Now, I'm wondering whether me having energy and being loud comes from this weird fear of people not accepting me unless im some sort of loud brash clown, or whether it's part of who I am. Or maybe it wasn't always part of me, but has become that way just because I've been doing it so long.

Either way, I think it's time to stop dressing myself up and trying to force the spotlight on myself all the time. A good friend told me a little while ago that I put on things to draw attention to myself (probably some weirder version of "peacocking" or something) and I fully realize now the severity of that.

So I'm going to change. Not change myself. Just change the style in which I present myself. I would much prefer to be the quiet funny guy who has energy sometimes than the loud in-your-face funny guy who has moments of down-time.

Point being, I'm going to stop performing and vying for people's attention.

Maybe I'll end up hating this. We'll see.

Anyway, fuck this noise (hah), time to get some serious work done.

My dick bad, my dick hood, my dick do stuff that yo dick wish it could

Whooooooooa I have just come off (heh) the most intense weekend bender I've had in a loooong time. So intense that it took me until now (tuesday night) to write about it. I needed monday as a recovery day. And maybe it's because I've been writing so much, but my brain has been like...EXPLODING with thoughts that I want to put down on paper (internet computer screen paper).
So here's the rundown of my weekend in my super awesome ADHD style that if you've read more than one of my blog posts you should be pretty familiar with at this point. I will at least organize the days for you. Because daddy loves you so.

Friday
Woke up and went to work at the cheesecake, obvis, but THEN, drove to college park and parked at the metro, for I had much happy hour to attend to. So I parked there, fully intending on skipping out on the garage fees by exiting the garage on the weekend, because I am an evil genius. So I parked there, metro'd into DC, and got my first happy hour on at Elephant & Castle where Rhea works. She hooked me up with a kickass Irish Hot Chocolate-esque drink that filled me with warmth and goodness and happiness. And the best part? IT WAS FREE. Boy, what a pal! So I hung out there until about 5, when I got a call from my group of second happy hour buddies; Doris, Laura, John, Derrick, and even Areej! Wowie wow wow. They were ready for me. So I skedaddled over to RDF (or some shit. i don't know. i made it there, okay?). Wasn't a far walk. Drank some cheap but slightly unsatisfying beer, and ate some okay jalepeno popppers. Yum. Jalepeno poppers. Have you seen these things? Amazing. Anyway, it was really great catching up with all my old roomies/people from my college years (fuck im old) and especially finding out that we all still click and are all still immature and awesome. That ended, we all headed out, me to CP, everyone else to G-town. Boo. No company for me =(. But alas, I had some irrate winged beasts on my ipod to keep me happy. So I get back to CP, hit up miss kerl's apartment for the night where FAMILY GAME NIGHT was on the agenda! Most of the crew was there. So we taboo'd and cranium'd our faces off. The girls cheated at taboo. I GOT 9 IN ONE TURN. I thought that was damn impressive, if I do say so myself. Drank a little more. I spelled "broccoli" wrong in cranium due to my drunkenly impaired brain. "Broccili"?. COME ON TIPSY JAYME. Sing-a-long sesh at wengel's where Zack sang us the best Brown Eyed Girl i've ever heard. Spent the night at wengel's. He's cool.

Saturday
Woke up. Took shower at wengel's. Chat bonded with Zack. He's cool. Walked to sadie's dorm where I went inside a dorm for the first time since I went to college in '76. Chilled out with one miss sadie and one miss kate richard...s. They didn't feed me (well), so I took out my anger on them by talking with them and laughing at them. Then I had to go to yojo rehearsal, so I pried the girls off me and bussed to my car, totally avoided that garage fee, and drove over to my bud vince's pad in silver spring. Rocked the poop out of yojo rehearsal. Pet his sweet dog. Went back to CP to chill until I went to Bmore to drink with Bob Manzo. Went back to wengel's where I decided that I didnt really want to go driving anywhere anymore, what with the shitty rainy weather there was outside, so I reluctantly called bob and said "sorry dog, im faking". So jake sauce, james and I hung for a bit at jake's pad where
MY BUTTON ON MY LEATHER JACKET FINALLY FELL OFF.
It was such a drastically sad moment in my life it definitely deserved an indent there. Now I'll need to find my spare button or find a new button entirely that doesn't look stupid...siiiiiigh. Anycrap, got some alkyhol, sang a lot of "Boys Are Back in Town", went to juliette's, drank and watched Stranger Than Fiction, A GREAT, GREAT MOVIE. Some people don't like this movie. To these people I say, "Seriously? What's wrong with you? Why? You know what, I don't care. Get the fuck out of whatever room we're standing in right now and don't answer my questions. We're not friends anymore." Emma Thompson was a beast, as per usual. (I'm so mad there is no abbreviation for "usual" that can be typed. Someone remedy this.) Watched the princess bride, obnoxiously quoted quotes/trivia at the screen. Went back to wengel's and spent the night there AGAIN. Cause he was still cool. And a Theresa was there! She was cool too.

Sunday
Man are you still reading this? Hopefully you just jumped down to Sunday and didn't read all of Friday/Saturday cause if you did GOD DAMN you are dedicated to me. We should probably hang out soon. But only after I give you a written exam to prove you read it all. We'll talk. ANYWAAAAAY...Woke up, went to work at cheesecake, had a stupendous double shift. Ate a stupendous crusted chicken romano on my green ticket. Ran into some stupendous drama with some curbside dick cause he didnt want what we gave him, he wanted something else. Dude, shutup, just take what we gave you, it's better anyway. Trust us. So then I got released like 10 minutes after the Super Bowl had started, so I drove over to The Winter's House (shoutout to The Winter's House!) for some super bowl shenanigans. And Bob was there! And we drank! So saturday night's fake session was remedied! The commercials pretty much blew. The pizza was off the chaaaaain but I was still so full from my romano I didn't get to eat any wings. That suuuuuucked. For as you must know, wings are pretty much my favorite food. So that one football team won, big whoop, then the beer pong happened and was super fun. Katie and I had a fun little discussion on how fun it is to lie to people. Which reminds me! I convinced a friend of mine at Cheesecake that I had been shot with a shotgun in the leg and that's why I hadn't seen her in so long. Haha, what a dummy. Being a sociopath/actor RULES! Team 3 Doors Down was revisited. "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" So eventually I (soberly) headed out for the night and watched the new episode of Glee, which was pretty meh, but at least there wasn't much Artie or Kurt. God I hate them. Especially Artie. Die Artie.

Monday
Nothing too serious, but I did go to my optometrist appointment where I encountered a lady of transcendental beauty who was flirting all over me. I was enjoying it. I don't know why she was so flirty, because my hair/facial scruff was pretty outlandish. But I ain't complaining. She is my true love. We will meet again. Also, these new contacts I got from my optometrist and I are in love, so we're going to be spending a lot of time together.

And that was my bender. Whew. That took forever. I had to take like 2 hours today to catch up to all the happenings on facebook over the weekend. God what a hard life I lead. And yes, in case you weren't keeping track, I got drunk every night of this weekend. What a fuckin champ I am.

And with that, I'd like to leave you with a quote from my good friend Kid Rock from his hit song, "Cowboy":

"No remorse for the sheriff, in his eye I ain't right
I'm gonna paint his town red, and paint his wife white HUH
Cause chaos, rock like Amadeus
Find West Coast pussy for my Detroit players"

Have a great week, you!
I know I will.

Braaaaziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil

I am obsessed with Brazil right now.
The movie, the song, the animated short to accompany the song. Not so much the country, but definitely the movie and the song right now. Probably because I just watched the movie tonight (as per a request from one mister aaron bliden) and that damn song is just so catchy. I think I've looked up every single version of that song that has ever been recorded.

It is 3 am. Yikes! I have work at 11 tomorrow, so I should definitely have gone to bed already. But, alas, I did not. I also probably should have learned my daily 3 pages of Yojo lines like I said I was going to, but alas, I did not. So I'll just do 6 tomorrow. Ugh, I'm gonna hate that. Jayme no likey likey. (Little inside joke for all you other yojo actors out there!!! what whaaaaaat!)

Instead of learning my daily dose of lines, I played dragon age all freaking day today.

I wonder if talking to characters in the game is a suitable replacement for real life communications. All signs point to...yes. Sweet!

Now hopefully I'll just go straight to sleep now that I'm done with this bloggizzy and not fritter away any more time. Oh god, here's where I normally do a nostalgic Jayme's Old LJ quote, isn't it? Fuck. I ain't got time for that! I gotta sleep, people!

So instead, I'll leave you with a quote from the second greatest song ever, second only to brazil of course, trouble. from the music man. yes:
"They'll be trying out beebo, trying out quebabs, trying out tailormades like cigarette fiends!"

(Took me like 4 minutes to find and type that quote, all because when I used the word "fritter" in the above paragraph it reminded me of that part in the song when he goes "fritterin, fritterin, fritterin!" And that's exactly what I did with my time. Fritter.
Here's to fritterin'!

Lazy Tuesday

Well, Tuesday's over. Damn, seriously? I just realized exactly what time it is. Almost 1. Shit, man. I was gonna like...do stuff before this time. Oh well, I'm writing this entry, and that's what's important. I considered using the word "blogging" right then, but I hate that word, so I decided against it. From henceforth I shall still refer to this as my blog, but will refer to the act of writing an entry as "writing an entry".

And I said "henceforth" so that means it's official.

Something about that word "blogging" just sounds so...like, "super indie internet user with too many opinions" to me. And that's not what I'm trying to achieve, I'm just trying to write shit down so that I seem to have some sort of personal narrative and I don't base my reality on others' opinions. I actually realized this the other day. One reason why writing these entries is so satisfying is because I'm the type of person who judges who they are based on what people around them say to them/act towards them. And I know this is a terrible way to perceive the world, and I wish I could break free of it, but I think I'm stuck with it. So writing entries feels good because it gives me a chance to reflect upon myself and critique those who critique me, if that makes any sense...

Anycrap, over the past two days I've been making fun little voice memos on my phone about stuff that I wanted to mention in this here entry. So here they are, in the order they were recorded:


-The recording just said "go look up and write about that one line from that cake song about driving. You know the one." And it's true, I do know which one I mean, but still, that's a weirdly specific thing to want to write about. So I looked it up, and this is the line to which I was referring.

"No trophy, no flowers, no flash bulbs, no wine.
He's haunted by something he cannot define.
Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse,
Assail him, impale him with monster truck force."

I don't know what it is about these lines, specifically the last two, that I like so much that I felt the need to point them out. I think it's "bowel shaking earthquakes". I love the imagery for that. One because it's just so evocative and two because its talking about bowels and don't those have to do with poop? haha, poop. Also, being "impaled" with "monster truck force" is also an awesome image. Brings to mind the image of a dude being run clean through with a big clunky sword.
Awesome. In general, Cake rocks my world. Great lines from a great song.


-A memo to myself telling me to learn the bass riff from "Another One Bites the Dust". I should do this. I have a bass guitar. I have the bare minimum skills necessary probably. It's a cool little riff that would be the second most fun thing to whip out at parties. Maybe I'll do it. Right after I finish learning the rest of "Fuck You" on the regular guitar.


-"An interesting relationship to explore...The relationship between a middle-aged male gay high school drama teacher and a young, talented girl high school drama student". I have no idea what this really means. I think I wanted to write them as characters in a movie or tv show or sketch or something. If I remember correctly this was a late night idea that I got from watching Summer Heights High. This idea is probably completely stolen from that show, actually. Whatever, mine will be better.

-Go watch "Trouble" from The Music Man. This needs no explanation. That song is hilarious. WITH A CAPITAL T AND THAT RHYMES WITH P AND THAT STANDS FOR POOL!

And the rest of them were ideas for sketches that I'm going to just enter into my log of sketch ideas, rather than put in my blog, just in case anybody reading this wants to steal my no doubt brilliant comedy gems.

I'll write more tomorrow, my pets, I promise. I just feel like this entry is getting a little long. And believe me, I'm well versed in the area of things being a little long. Emphasis on the little.

But more emphasis on the long.

Jayme's Old LJ Nostalgia Journey Quote of the Day!:

"Mid-May onwards will be like Space Camp (fun), except it'll be with friends instead of rockets ships, and with chick filet instead of zero gravity."

I have no idea what that means.

JAI HO!
(roughly translated: "I love curry and don't care who knows it!")

Busy Busy Beaver

I AM THE BEAVER THE TITLE REFERS TO
because I am very busy right now.

And I like it this way.

But until I know all the lines for this stupid Yojo show and am rolling in money from doing all the performances, I will not be super happy.

I would say I am medium happy right now. And very tired. Very very tired.
Which normally means I would not write a blog entry, because I go "aw, I'm tired and can't think straight, so my blog entry will suck." but I'm starting to believe that's just an excuse I'm using to keep avoiding writing in this here blog.

Sooo...things have happened recently:

-Closed Romeo and Juliet in frederick! On the (butt)whole, frederick was a pretty sweet venue. The audiences were awesome, even if they didnt all want to jump my bones after the show. WHICH THEY SHOULD HAVE AFTER ALL THE RAW, COMPELLING EMOTION I GAVE THEM. But no, they were great. And the drinking and frolicking afterwards was really fun too. Frederick has a kick ass bar scene. Too bad most of them are full and hate college aged kids. And actors. Or so I can only assume.

This remount I feel like we got some real good cast bonding in. I really do think this is like...one of the coolest casts/crews i've been a part of and the fact that we keep getting to do the same bitchin show over and over again is incredible. Hopefully we'll get into NY Fringe (ha) and we'll get to do some SERIOUS cast/crew bonding in Rob Mueller's basement. That will rock.

Why do I have bumps all over my legs instead of hair? I feel like there should be hair there or something...Not just a barren, pale wasteland of man thigh.

In SUPER AWESOME TRIPLE DRAGON KICK FUCK YEAH NEWS: I had an awesome revelation a week or so ago. But it is such a good revelation I'm going to make a whole new post about it. I hope the well of ideas in my head hasn't run dry already! Sometimes it does that. My brain lets to leak information sometimes.

In summation, I want to start being more pro-active when it comes to wooing women. Cause I noticed that I don't really ever ask girls on dates. I just kinda...flirt until something happens. And I hear there are better ways to go about that sort of thing. So, I guess I'll try it one day! Like, soon. I am waiting for one particular beauteous flower to bloom...we shall see...

Anyway, I'm gonna go write that awesome revelation entry, but then I'm going to post it before this one, so odds are, the post below this one will actually have been written AFTER this one. Time paradoxes aplenty! But it was an awesome revelation.

Also, one thing that's been on my mind: a lost friend. RIP lost friend. Unless you come back from the dead. Then RIP will stand for...Returned? I'm Proud!

NEW REGULAR THING I'LL DO. I'm going to start closing all my blog entries with a favorite quote (of mine) from my old livejournal (it's buried deep within the internet, don't even try to find it) to help me remember how stupid and awesome I was in high school. So here's today's (ironically it is talking about how crappy getting older is and how nostalgic i was for being a kid again):

"And then, you could go outside if you wanted. Climb a tree. Ride your bike. Eat a bug. I didn't do that one. You did. Gross."

Addicted To Girlfriends

Okay, so here's an amazing revelation that I had last sunday that made me knock up a few notches on the "life-satisfaction" scale.

The first step to recovery is acceptance, and I had a epiphany. My epiphany was that I had an addiction. A bad one. And I realized it the minute that I finally, after quite some time, stopped "withdrawing" from it.

I was addicted to relationships.

Not just relationships, but the whole state of being where one is constantly looking for a relationship. I was stuck in some sort of horrible "Gotta find a girlfriend because that's how my life will be rated in success!" mindset. It was bad.

I think this has been my mindset for at least 4 years. That's not to say that I regret anything I've done in these last 4 years, just to say that I was thinking under the influence of some weird shit. I was just sending out "guy who wants a girlfriend!" signals all over the place.

I realized this and it all clicked in my head. Back in high school, I had no worries at all about getting a girlfriend because I couldn't get one. But once I got a taste of that sweet sweet relationship drug, there was no getting me off it (Also I will henceforth refer to it as "relationship drug" since its not just boys who get it). Think about it: there are so many great things about being in a relationship, I think the main one that I was obsessed with being the constant companionship. Always someone to talk to, someone to tell you how awesome you are, someone to give you attention, someone to sleep by your side at night. These were the things that me, the attention whore that I am, was most likely affected by the greatest. I was soooooo hooked on having a girl in my life that would keep me organized and feed my ego.

and the withdrawal for this drug is just THE WORST. Not only does it last forever, but it seems like the only way to fully kick the habit is to go cold turkey. No "dabbling" seems to help, it only lets the habit cling to your brain like a tick. So I finally got to the point where I realized that I really am not looking for a relationship AT ALL WHATSOEVER on any level. I can finally, for once in a long time, stay focused on me and improving myself and learning about myself. Because without someone there to tell you how great you are, you damn sure better be telling yourself that. Otherwise the gap left in the ego is...well...noticeable.

But...um...I think I'm cured? Although I did fall in love with a random gorgeous spanish girl at cheesecake last week (And I mean, seriously like, LOVE, not just lust at first sight. It was different with her. YOU CAN JUST TELL, OKAY?!). But then she had a boyfriend and stiffed my friend on the check, so alas, the fates had fated otherwise.

But she is my soulmate

And we will be together

In this life or the next

Or in the trunk of my jeep

Depending on how fast I can google maps her house

R and J, back again!

Today should have been a day for lots of line memorization but instead...it wasn't.

What had happened was...Well first off lemme start by saying that I am starting to feel better than my last post suggested I was feeling. I kind of gave myself a harsh-love pep talk in my car yesterday, which I didn't think was possible, but apparently is. So, that was cool that that kinda worked. So I'm definitely feeling a little better. It might have helped that I got a good amount of sleep and some Roy Rodgers right when I woke up.

So I woke up, had a text from my uncle saying "hey you want lunch?" and I was all "hell yeah I want lunch." So me, him, and my sister went to get some roy rodgers. So I did that and was hyped up on caffeine for a good while. Got home, did a whole lot of nothing for the rest of the afternoon. Lots of facebook. I did a little working out and I showered, but otherwise, nothing really too productive. I did look over my R&J lines a bit, but I wanted to learn some YoJo lines, and I definitely did not do that. I split my script up into many parts today. They are labeled A-T and I'm gonna try to have half of them memorized by Friday. Also, I need off work for friday.

Then R&J rehearsal was had for the first time since fall fringe! It was, of course, awesome to see everybody again. Our new space is amazing. It's big and we get our own dressing rooms. So...that's sweet. My lines for Act 1 were waaay rougher than they should have been. I felt a little bad. But only a little. The best part was when random homeless crazy man decided to wander in and give us all acting instructions. The main note being "just cry a little bit. Come on...you just gotta cry a little bit..." That was freaking hilarious. It got scary after a while because it went on for so long that we were all just like "Uh...who's gonna tell mr crazy to get off stage so we can finish rehearsing?". The answer was Jason, our lighting designer. So he left. Reluctantly. The rehearsal, besides our craziness, was good.

And now i'm more than ready to hit the sack. So that's what I'll do right now.
Damn I am so glad that I had the determination to write out this entry. Yaay determination!

-Jub Jub Jayme

what the fuck.

Ugh. I am not feeling so hot right now. I'm not sick. I'm not very tired. I am just lacking that little spark within me that I think makes me me. I am just lacking in every bit of extroversion right now. I have no desire to speak to or be around people. Which is very unlike me. But at the same time, being around people is what I feel like doing. It doesn't make any sense. I think I am really struggling with and getting annoyed by my inability to be who I am at every given point in time. I hate feeling like who I am is based majorly on who I'm with at that present moment. I know everyone experiences this to some level because I studied that shit in psychology, but I feel as if I experience it much more than others. I don't know.
I was planning what I was going to write in this entry the entire time I was in the shower. I was just in the shower before this fyi. Wow, my writing skills have diminished incredibly as well. Maybe I am more tired than I realize. Usually I get depressed when I'm tired so that would make sense...
Anyway, I have various topics. To discuss.

1. I have a friend that I shall call Bill who also frequently claims to be depressed. A lot of the time, these days, actually. But Bill must be depressed in a different way entirely because somehow Bill's depression leads him to having relations with attractive (also depressed?) girls. I'm thinking Bill either has a different type of depression than I do or Bill doesn't have some sort of deep-seeded insecurity in himself. That I guess I do have. Anyway, fuck Bill, that's the most unfair form of depression I can imagine. I would much prefer that one than my depression which makes me want to go spend time with people yet at the same time NOT want to, so that when we DO hang out I end up hating how I behave, i.e. not as charismatic as I'd like myself to be. Man, I think I have a lot of hangups.
2. I want to take up this form of karate that I was learning some of last week. I think it will help me to have some sort of goal to push towards.
3. 400 bucks in my checking account! woohoo! 1600 dollars away from me not caring how much more I save up for Chicago!
4. UGGGGGGGGGGH. I think I hate writing. I don't know why, but I have this stupid idea that it takes up too much time and that it's worthless. Which is an awful thing to write in your blog.
5. Am I an actor or comedian? Do I have to choose? I think the answer to them, in order, is both and no. This is a big question I've been wrestling with because I always feel like I have to focus on ONE thing in particular and just become a baller at that one thing. Maybe it's some of my mom's hyperfocusing that I've inherited. But splitting my focus between those two things is for some reason harder for me to grasp than it should be.
6. I'm fairly confident that I need goals in my life to push for. As soon as I'm in Chicago back in some sort of structured system, I'll be fine.
7. I think if I gave up girls for a while I'd be much happier. I know this is sounding like a scene from 40 year old virgin now, but I really do. I remember in high school where my mentality was "well there's no WAY i'm gonna get girls so I have nothing to worry about!" But now that I've split myself into Jayme and girl-getting Jayme, there's a division happening inside of me that I don't like.
8. I think I should be able to find strength from within. I'm a big believer in that actually. Have I gotten to the point where I have such little confidence in myself that I can't even bring myself to believing that my willpower is strong enough to pull myself up by the bootstraps?
9. Now, to change topics slightly, I think one way I've changed a lot since high school is that somewhere along the lines, I've become horribly horribly hardened. (Heh heh. (Hey! I made a penis joke! That's a start.)) But seriously folks, I've developed some sort of horrible shell over top myself that refuses to appear vulnerable to anybody. And I think it's preventing me from making strong, long-lasting friendships. I have another friend, let's call him Fitz, who is very very very similar to me, but for some reason, people become stronger friends with him than me. They post on his wall that they miss him and shit like that. I don't get that. I don't understand why. But then I realized something. In writing for tv or film or books or whatever, whenever you're writing a character, one thing that makes the audience sympathize/come to love that character is vulnerability. They need to be able to see something worth pitying in that character or some sort of thing inside the character that the relate to. I think I have developed some sort of unwillingness to share deep parts of myself. For whatever reason. Either I think people will react negatively to it or because...well, no, that's it really. I think people will react negatively to it, and ergo, me. Man, my parents must have really done something shitty to me as a kid to make me feel like I can't believe in myself as much as I do. But I swear I'm not like that all the time. I'm really not. Which brings me to another thing that I fear:
Number Whatever Number We're On Now: Yes, I could have scrolled up and looked but I didn't. Now, another thing I fear: people judging me as a depressing, boring person to be around. This and my unwanting to share things with people team up to fuck my psyche on a regular basis and are probably responsible for all the failure I've faced in my life. Lack of success in auditions/girls/whatever.

So...wow that was a lot of heavy shit coming at'cha. And I hated doing it because I don't want people to think that I'm a depressing asshole. I find talking about my worries very self-indulgent and pointless and a waste of . But maybe I'm just scared.

Hence...bum badda bum...this blog. Cure me, blog.
I'm gonna talk about myself all I want in this blog and I don't give a fuck who reads it or what they think about it. If you don't like it, don't read. And if you do like it, fuck you anyway.

Nah just kidding, if you do like it, sweet! Thanks for reading! <3

the mom-chronicles v.1

Me: "Hey mom are you gonna cook these patties that have been sitting out on the counter? You said you were gonna cook them a while ago and they're still sitting out. They've been there for a really long time."

My Mom: "Will...you...SHUT THE FUCK UP?"

Me and my sister laugh hysterically.

Jordan enters.

Me (to Jordan): "Hey, ask mom if she's going to cook the patties on the counter."

Roby: "Don't do it!"

Jordan: "I'll do it." (to Mom) "Hey mom are you going to cook these patties sitting on the counter?"

Mom: "Why, do you want one?"

Me and my sister die of laughter.

Classic Mom.