Busy Busy Beaver

I AM THE BEAVER THE TITLE REFERS TO
because I am very busy right now.

And I like it this way.

But until I know all the lines for this stupid Yojo show and am rolling in money from doing all the performances, I will not be super happy.

I would say I am medium happy right now. And very tired. Very very tired.
Which normally means I would not write a blog entry, because I go "aw, I'm tired and can't think straight, so my blog entry will suck." but I'm starting to believe that's just an excuse I'm using to keep avoiding writing in this here blog.

Sooo...things have happened recently:

-Closed Romeo and Juliet in frederick! On the (butt)whole, frederick was a pretty sweet venue. The audiences were awesome, even if they didnt all want to jump my bones after the show. WHICH THEY SHOULD HAVE AFTER ALL THE RAW, COMPELLING EMOTION I GAVE THEM. But no, they were great. And the drinking and frolicking afterwards was really fun too. Frederick has a kick ass bar scene. Too bad most of them are full and hate college aged kids. And actors. Or so I can only assume.

This remount I feel like we got some real good cast bonding in. I really do think this is like...one of the coolest casts/crews i've been a part of and the fact that we keep getting to do the same bitchin show over and over again is incredible. Hopefully we'll get into NY Fringe (ha) and we'll get to do some SERIOUS cast/crew bonding in Rob Mueller's basement. That will rock.

Why do I have bumps all over my legs instead of hair? I feel like there should be hair there or something...Not just a barren, pale wasteland of man thigh.

In SUPER AWESOME TRIPLE DRAGON KICK FUCK YEAH NEWS: I had an awesome revelation a week or so ago. But it is such a good revelation I'm going to make a whole new post about it. I hope the well of ideas in my head hasn't run dry already! Sometimes it does that. My brain lets to leak information sometimes.

In summation, I want to start being more pro-active when it comes to wooing women. Cause I noticed that I don't really ever ask girls on dates. I just kinda...flirt until something happens. And I hear there are better ways to go about that sort of thing. So, I guess I'll try it one day! Like, soon. I am waiting for one particular beauteous flower to bloom...we shall see...

Anyway, I'm gonna go write that awesome revelation entry, but then I'm going to post it before this one, so odds are, the post below this one will actually have been written AFTER this one. Time paradoxes aplenty! But it was an awesome revelation.

Also, one thing that's been on my mind: a lost friend. RIP lost friend. Unless you come back from the dead. Then RIP will stand for...Returned? I'm Proud!

NEW REGULAR THING I'LL DO. I'm going to start closing all my blog entries with a favorite quote (of mine) from my old livejournal (it's buried deep within the internet, don't even try to find it) to help me remember how stupid and awesome I was in high school. So here's today's (ironically it is talking about how crappy getting older is and how nostalgic i was for being a kid again):

"And then, you could go outside if you wanted. Climb a tree. Ride your bike. Eat a bug. I didn't do that one. You did. Gross."

Addicted To Girlfriends

Okay, so here's an amazing revelation that I had last sunday that made me knock up a few notches on the "life-satisfaction" scale.

The first step to recovery is acceptance, and I had a epiphany. My epiphany was that I had an addiction. A bad one. And I realized it the minute that I finally, after quite some time, stopped "withdrawing" from it.

I was addicted to relationships.

Not just relationships, but the whole state of being where one is constantly looking for a relationship. I was stuck in some sort of horrible "Gotta find a girlfriend because that's how my life will be rated in success!" mindset. It was bad.

I think this has been my mindset for at least 4 years. That's not to say that I regret anything I've done in these last 4 years, just to say that I was thinking under the influence of some weird shit. I was just sending out "guy who wants a girlfriend!" signals all over the place.

I realized this and it all clicked in my head. Back in high school, I had no worries at all about getting a girlfriend because I couldn't get one. But once I got a taste of that sweet sweet relationship drug, there was no getting me off it (Also I will henceforth refer to it as "relationship drug" since its not just boys who get it). Think about it: there are so many great things about being in a relationship, I think the main one that I was obsessed with being the constant companionship. Always someone to talk to, someone to tell you how awesome you are, someone to give you attention, someone to sleep by your side at night. These were the things that me, the attention whore that I am, was most likely affected by the greatest. I was soooooo hooked on having a girl in my life that would keep me organized and feed my ego.

and the withdrawal for this drug is just THE WORST. Not only does it last forever, but it seems like the only way to fully kick the habit is to go cold turkey. No "dabbling" seems to help, it only lets the habit cling to your brain like a tick. So I finally got to the point where I realized that I really am not looking for a relationship AT ALL WHATSOEVER on any level. I can finally, for once in a long time, stay focused on me and improving myself and learning about myself. Because without someone there to tell you how great you are, you damn sure better be telling yourself that. Otherwise the gap left in the ego is...well...noticeable.

But...um...I think I'm cured? Although I did fall in love with a random gorgeous spanish girl at cheesecake last week (And I mean, seriously like, LOVE, not just lust at first sight. It was different with her. YOU CAN JUST TELL, OKAY?!). But then she had a boyfriend and stiffed my friend on the check, so alas, the fates had fated otherwise.

But she is my soulmate

And we will be together

In this life or the next

Or in the trunk of my jeep

Depending on how fast I can google maps her house

R and J, back again!

Today should have been a day for lots of line memorization but instead...it wasn't.

What had happened was...Well first off lemme start by saying that I am starting to feel better than my last post suggested I was feeling. I kind of gave myself a harsh-love pep talk in my car yesterday, which I didn't think was possible, but apparently is. So, that was cool that that kinda worked. So I'm definitely feeling a little better. It might have helped that I got a good amount of sleep and some Roy Rodgers right when I woke up.

So I woke up, had a text from my uncle saying "hey you want lunch?" and I was all "hell yeah I want lunch." So me, him, and my sister went to get some roy rodgers. So I did that and was hyped up on caffeine for a good while. Got home, did a whole lot of nothing for the rest of the afternoon. Lots of facebook. I did a little working out and I showered, but otherwise, nothing really too productive. I did look over my R&J lines a bit, but I wanted to learn some YoJo lines, and I definitely did not do that. I split my script up into many parts today. They are labeled A-T and I'm gonna try to have half of them memorized by Friday. Also, I need off work for friday.

Then R&J rehearsal was had for the first time since fall fringe! It was, of course, awesome to see everybody again. Our new space is amazing. It's big and we get our own dressing rooms. So...that's sweet. My lines for Act 1 were waaay rougher than they should have been. I felt a little bad. But only a little. The best part was when random homeless crazy man decided to wander in and give us all acting instructions. The main note being "just cry a little bit. Come on...you just gotta cry a little bit..." That was freaking hilarious. It got scary after a while because it went on for so long that we were all just like "Uh...who's gonna tell mr crazy to get off stage so we can finish rehearsing?". The answer was Jason, our lighting designer. So he left. Reluctantly. The rehearsal, besides our craziness, was good.

And now i'm more than ready to hit the sack. So that's what I'll do right now.
Damn I am so glad that I had the determination to write out this entry. Yaay determination!

-Jub Jub Jayme

what the fuck.

Ugh. I am not feeling so hot right now. I'm not sick. I'm not very tired. I am just lacking that little spark within me that I think makes me me. I am just lacking in every bit of extroversion right now. I have no desire to speak to or be around people. Which is very unlike me. But at the same time, being around people is what I feel like doing. It doesn't make any sense. I think I am really struggling with and getting annoyed by my inability to be who I am at every given point in time. I hate feeling like who I am is based majorly on who I'm with at that present moment. I know everyone experiences this to some level because I studied that shit in psychology, but I feel as if I experience it much more than others. I don't know.
I was planning what I was going to write in this entry the entire time I was in the shower. I was just in the shower before this fyi. Wow, my writing skills have diminished incredibly as well. Maybe I am more tired than I realize. Usually I get depressed when I'm tired so that would make sense...
Anyway, I have various topics. To discuss.

1. I have a friend that I shall call Bill who also frequently claims to be depressed. A lot of the time, these days, actually. But Bill must be depressed in a different way entirely because somehow Bill's depression leads him to having relations with attractive (also depressed?) girls. I'm thinking Bill either has a different type of depression than I do or Bill doesn't have some sort of deep-seeded insecurity in himself. That I guess I do have. Anyway, fuck Bill, that's the most unfair form of depression I can imagine. I would much prefer that one than my depression which makes me want to go spend time with people yet at the same time NOT want to, so that when we DO hang out I end up hating how I behave, i.e. not as charismatic as I'd like myself to be. Man, I think I have a lot of hangups.
2. I want to take up this form of karate that I was learning some of last week. I think it will help me to have some sort of goal to push towards.
3. 400 bucks in my checking account! woohoo! 1600 dollars away from me not caring how much more I save up for Chicago!
4. UGGGGGGGGGGH. I think I hate writing. I don't know why, but I have this stupid idea that it takes up too much time and that it's worthless. Which is an awful thing to write in your blog.
5. Am I an actor or comedian? Do I have to choose? I think the answer to them, in order, is both and no. This is a big question I've been wrestling with because I always feel like I have to focus on ONE thing in particular and just become a baller at that one thing. Maybe it's some of my mom's hyperfocusing that I've inherited. But splitting my focus between those two things is for some reason harder for me to grasp than it should be.
6. I'm fairly confident that I need goals in my life to push for. As soon as I'm in Chicago back in some sort of structured system, I'll be fine.
7. I think if I gave up girls for a while I'd be much happier. I know this is sounding like a scene from 40 year old virgin now, but I really do. I remember in high school where my mentality was "well there's no WAY i'm gonna get girls so I have nothing to worry about!" But now that I've split myself into Jayme and girl-getting Jayme, there's a division happening inside of me that I don't like.
8. I think I should be able to find strength from within. I'm a big believer in that actually. Have I gotten to the point where I have such little confidence in myself that I can't even bring myself to believing that my willpower is strong enough to pull myself up by the bootstraps?
9. Now, to change topics slightly, I think one way I've changed a lot since high school is that somewhere along the lines, I've become horribly horribly hardened. (Heh heh. (Hey! I made a penis joke! That's a start.)) But seriously folks, I've developed some sort of horrible shell over top myself that refuses to appear vulnerable to anybody. And I think it's preventing me from making strong, long-lasting friendships. I have another friend, let's call him Fitz, who is very very very similar to me, but for some reason, people become stronger friends with him than me. They post on his wall that they miss him and shit like that. I don't get that. I don't understand why. But then I realized something. In writing for tv or film or books or whatever, whenever you're writing a character, one thing that makes the audience sympathize/come to love that character is vulnerability. They need to be able to see something worth pitying in that character or some sort of thing inside the character that the relate to. I think I have developed some sort of unwillingness to share deep parts of myself. For whatever reason. Either I think people will react negatively to it or because...well, no, that's it really. I think people will react negatively to it, and ergo, me. Man, my parents must have really done something shitty to me as a kid to make me feel like I can't believe in myself as much as I do. But I swear I'm not like that all the time. I'm really not. Which brings me to another thing that I fear:
Number Whatever Number We're On Now: Yes, I could have scrolled up and looked but I didn't. Now, another thing I fear: people judging me as a depressing, boring person to be around. This and my unwanting to share things with people team up to fuck my psyche on a regular basis and are probably responsible for all the failure I've faced in my life. Lack of success in auditions/girls/whatever.

So...wow that was a lot of heavy shit coming at'cha. And I hated doing it because I don't want people to think that I'm a depressing asshole. I find talking about my worries very self-indulgent and pointless and a waste of . But maybe I'm just scared.

Hence...bum badda bum...this blog. Cure me, blog.
I'm gonna talk about myself all I want in this blog and I don't give a fuck who reads it or what they think about it. If you don't like it, don't read. And if you do like it, fuck you anyway.

Nah just kidding, if you do like it, sweet! Thanks for reading! <3

the mom-chronicles v.1

Me: "Hey mom are you gonna cook these patties that have been sitting out on the counter? You said you were gonna cook them a while ago and they're still sitting out. They've been there for a really long time."

My Mom: "Will...you...SHUT THE FUCK UP?"

Me and my sister laugh hysterically.

Jordan enters.

Me (to Jordan): "Hey, ask mom if she's going to cook the patties on the counter."

Roby: "Don't do it!"

Jordan: "I'll do it." (to Mom) "Hey mom are you going to cook these patties sitting on the counter?"

Mom: "Why, do you want one?"

Me and my sister die of laughter.

Classic Mom.