California

As you may or may not have guessed from the title right above this sentence, this post has something to do with California. And I'll tell you something else before I tell you how California is in any way relevant, and that is this: I am not playing Skyrim anymore. This is why I am blogging for the first time in literally forever.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Hmm...why isn't Jayme playing Skyrim anymore? Did he get tired of it? Did his disc break? Did he beat it? WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY BRAIN!?"
And I'll tell you another thing right now, the answers to those questions are (respectfully) "I'll tell you soon. No. No. NO. And I don't k-no-w." The reason I am not playing Skyrim anymore is because I physically cannot. There is no way for me to because my character, Schmee the Dark Elf Bad-ass Mage Extraordinaire, and my x-box, X the Bad-ass Box Extraordinaire, are both in my house. In Maryland.

"But Jayme", you whine, "I thought you were around your house in Maryland like...all the time. Don't you like...live there? Or something?"

Well stupid, whiny reader of my blog, the answer to that whiny stupid question is "No. I do not live there. Nor do I something there anymore."

I live in California now. Los Angeles California. And honestly, right now it couldn't suck any more.

So...needless to say I don't really feel like writing right now. But I'm doing it, because I haven't in a while and I need to get some things out.

Firstly, okay, fine, it COULD suck more, I'm just feeling very weird and screwed up about the whole situation. Obviously moving to California has been my lifelong dream. I guess I just never thought it would get to this point. Or at least when I did I thought it would be less difficult than this.

My difficulties lie in the fact that I am relatively friendless and am therefore just a quiet slave to the people around me. Not an actual slave, that would not make any sense at all. Just...a quiet, unsure person. I need my friends back. Like, more than just the one or two I have out here (who are AMAZING, don't get me wrong), but I still can't fully be myself yet.

I've seen so much great comedy out here already and I'm worried that I made a mistake coming out here. I'm worried I will never be as good as the people out here are. I don't know if I have what it takes. I'm just...not there. They are so funny.
And it's really bumming me out. The funnier they are, the more I laugh. The more I laugh, the more bummed out I am that I will never live up to and be able to compete with what they are. How am I supposed to do that? I feel so out of place out here.

No family either. Far far away. Without friends and family I feel like I've been stripped of everything that made me me. I hope I don't spiral downwards into a horrible identity crisis and have a psychotic breakdown. That would be unfortunate.

So let's hope it doesn't come to that.
On the other hand, California is like College 2. And every single person is an undergrad, and the time is always Party O'Clock on a Friday night. And the week is always Finals Week When No One Has Finals. And the Month is always Party Month (October). And the season is always Palm Tree season. And the year is always 1999. Which is, as everyone knows, the most partying year of all the years.

Okay, real talk. I'm not hating it out here, I'm just adapting. It just so happens that my adapting is taking the form of shyness and depression.

I just haven't acted or done improv in so long and I'm worried that I can't do it anymore or never could do it or never will do it as good as I need to do it to fulfill my dream. I'm itching so hard to do something to push my career ahead in any way, but all I can do right now is lay back and watch other people be INCREDIBLY funny. And it's killing me. As a workaholic and an actaholic and a laughaholic, I'm going through some pretty serious withdrawal.

Did I mention I'm an Old Maryland Friend-aholic too?
Withdrawal is some nasty business.

Who would have thought that I'd be checking into the Betty Ford Clinic so soon upon arriving in California?