what the fuck.

Ugh. I am not feeling so hot right now. I'm not sick. I'm not very tired. I am just lacking that little spark within me that I think makes me me. I am just lacking in every bit of extroversion right now. I have no desire to speak to or be around people. Which is very unlike me. But at the same time, being around people is what I feel like doing. It doesn't make any sense. I think I am really struggling with and getting annoyed by my inability to be who I am at every given point in time. I hate feeling like who I am is based majorly on who I'm with at that present moment. I know everyone experiences this to some level because I studied that shit in psychology, but I feel as if I experience it much more than others. I don't know.
I was planning what I was going to write in this entry the entire time I was in the shower. I was just in the shower before this fyi. Wow, my writing skills have diminished incredibly as well. Maybe I am more tired than I realize. Usually I get depressed when I'm tired so that would make sense...
Anyway, I have various topics. To discuss.

1. I have a friend that I shall call Bill who also frequently claims to be depressed. A lot of the time, these days, actually. But Bill must be depressed in a different way entirely because somehow Bill's depression leads him to having relations with attractive (also depressed?) girls. I'm thinking Bill either has a different type of depression than I do or Bill doesn't have some sort of deep-seeded insecurity in himself. That I guess I do have. Anyway, fuck Bill, that's the most unfair form of depression I can imagine. I would much prefer that one than my depression which makes me want to go spend time with people yet at the same time NOT want to, so that when we DO hang out I end up hating how I behave, i.e. not as charismatic as I'd like myself to be. Man, I think I have a lot of hangups.
2. I want to take up this form of karate that I was learning some of last week. I think it will help me to have some sort of goal to push towards.
3. 400 bucks in my checking account! woohoo! 1600 dollars away from me not caring how much more I save up for Chicago!
4. UGGGGGGGGGGH. I think I hate writing. I don't know why, but I have this stupid idea that it takes up too much time and that it's worthless. Which is an awful thing to write in your blog.
5. Am I an actor or comedian? Do I have to choose? I think the answer to them, in order, is both and no. This is a big question I've been wrestling with because I always feel like I have to focus on ONE thing in particular and just become a baller at that one thing. Maybe it's some of my mom's hyperfocusing that I've inherited. But splitting my focus between those two things is for some reason harder for me to grasp than it should be.
6. I'm fairly confident that I need goals in my life to push for. As soon as I'm in Chicago back in some sort of structured system, I'll be fine.
7. I think if I gave up girls for a while I'd be much happier. I know this is sounding like a scene from 40 year old virgin now, but I really do. I remember in high school where my mentality was "well there's no WAY i'm gonna get girls so I have nothing to worry about!" But now that I've split myself into Jayme and girl-getting Jayme, there's a division happening inside of me that I don't like.
8. I think I should be able to find strength from within. I'm a big believer in that actually. Have I gotten to the point where I have such little confidence in myself that I can't even bring myself to believing that my willpower is strong enough to pull myself up by the bootstraps?
9. Now, to change topics slightly, I think one way I've changed a lot since high school is that somewhere along the lines, I've become horribly horribly hardened. (Heh heh. (Hey! I made a penis joke! That's a start.)) But seriously folks, I've developed some sort of horrible shell over top myself that refuses to appear vulnerable to anybody. And I think it's preventing me from making strong, long-lasting friendships. I have another friend, let's call him Fitz, who is very very very similar to me, but for some reason, people become stronger friends with him than me. They post on his wall that they miss him and shit like that. I don't get that. I don't understand why. But then I realized something. In writing for tv or film or books or whatever, whenever you're writing a character, one thing that makes the audience sympathize/come to love that character is vulnerability. They need to be able to see something worth pitying in that character or some sort of thing inside the character that the relate to. I think I have developed some sort of unwillingness to share deep parts of myself. For whatever reason. Either I think people will react negatively to it or because...well, no, that's it really. I think people will react negatively to it, and ergo, me. Man, my parents must have really done something shitty to me as a kid to make me feel like I can't believe in myself as much as I do. But I swear I'm not like that all the time. I'm really not. Which brings me to another thing that I fear:
Number Whatever Number We're On Now: Yes, I could have scrolled up and looked but I didn't. Now, another thing I fear: people judging me as a depressing, boring person to be around. This and my unwanting to share things with people team up to fuck my psyche on a regular basis and are probably responsible for all the failure I've faced in my life. Lack of success in auditions/girls/whatever.

So...wow that was a lot of heavy shit coming at'cha. And I hated doing it because I don't want people to think that I'm a depressing asshole. I find talking about my worries very self-indulgent and pointless and a waste of . But maybe I'm just scared.

Hence...bum badda bum...this blog. Cure me, blog.
I'm gonna talk about myself all I want in this blog and I don't give a fuck who reads it or what they think about it. If you don't like it, don't read. And if you do like it, fuck you anyway.

Nah just kidding, if you do like it, sweet! Thanks for reading! <3