time for a change?

I've got a lot of problems.

I'm extraordinarily shy when it comes to meeting new people without any friends there.

I'm constantly trying to gauge how people view me.

I'm always changing myself instead of sticking to being who I am and saying "if you don't like it, fuck you." Granted all these changes I consider to be improving myself. Which doesn't sound like a bad thing, but it usually comes out of me trying to please people. So that's lame.

And one new one I just discovered last night. I overcompensate for my insecurities with energy, showing off, wearing stupid things to make myself stand out, and loud noises in general.

And it only seems like I do this around people (or persons) that I'm not 100% comfortable being around. Either I feel I haven't entirely won their friendship or I feel that I have some sort of reputation of "nutty goofball jayme" to live up to.

Now, I'm wondering whether me having energy and being loud comes from this weird fear of people not accepting me unless im some sort of loud brash clown, or whether it's part of who I am. Or maybe it wasn't always part of me, but has become that way just because I've been doing it so long.

Either way, I think it's time to stop dressing myself up and trying to force the spotlight on myself all the time. A good friend told me a little while ago that I put on things to draw attention to myself (probably some weirder version of "peacocking" or something) and I fully realize now the severity of that.

So I'm going to change. Not change myself. Just change the style in which I present myself. I would much prefer to be the quiet funny guy who has energy sometimes than the loud in-your-face funny guy who has moments of down-time.

Point being, I'm going to stop performing and vying for people's attention.

Maybe I'll end up hating this. We'll see.

Anyway, fuck this noise (hah), time to get some serious work done.