I get it

I get it now. I do.
I get why most of the times when I would run into one of my friends who had already graduated when I hadn't yet, they would have this foreign look in their eyes. This look that said, "Oh yeah, I remember you. Huh." They seemed to be filled with indifference and bitterness, but most of all they just seemed worn down. A tired, toned-down version of their former self. Or at least how I remembered them anyway. I get that look and that behavior now. It's post-college life. It's life itself.

And I don't mean that like, "Ugh, living is so HARD." I mean it in that having graduated and pushed out into the real world to fend for yourself is fucking rough. It's not an easy transition. And moving away can make that transition even harder.

They looked tired because they were. They would appear indifferent because I was in a whole other world. I was still in College. It's a completely different world outside of there, and there's a huge disconnect once you graduate between you and all your friends who are still there. They're still in shows, still going to great parties, still getting drunk every weekend and doing stupid shit. And there's pictures of all of it on facebook. And all you can do is look at them and go, "Oh yeah. I remember that. Those were fun times. Well, they're over now. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys."

Wow, okay, this post has gotten so much darker than I meant for it to get. Like, depressing as shit. Hahaha. Sorry guys, I was just looking at pictures on facebook of friends of mine in a show they had done and it brought me back, and then suddenly I was so angry I wasn't there anymore. I don't know why, but every once in a while post-graduate life just REALLY digs into me. Out of the blue, just random things on facebook (or sometimes in real life) will just catch my attention and remind me of something, and then WHAM, I'm flooded with bitterness. "Why are my friends still in college? They should be out here like me. I've outgrown them. I'll never see them again anyway. We've been living in two different worlds for too long. They're probably different now. They probably suck. I probably suck. No. I'm great. They probably suck."

I guess what I'm saying is I miss my friends. I miss doing college shows. I miss going to college parties and shitty college diners afterwards. I miss taking stupid pictures with my stupid face. I miss stupid things mattering SO MUCH.
I guess I just don't feel mature enough for the real world yet. I'm still so immature. And I do mean that in both ways. I've just got Peter Pan syndrome right now. I don't want to grow up. And being without my friends is making me grow up and be boring. And I don't want that. I literally CAN'T let that happen, either, if I want the career that I want.

Note to self: stop looking at college friend's facebook pictures.

I can only hope the next time I see them I don't give them that same cold, indifferent look my friends gave me. I hope I have not outgrown them.
Womp Womp.
Man, now I gotta write another entry quick so this doesn't linger around the top of my blog and bum people/myself out.