Reasons Why I Must Succeed pt. 2

(Part 1 right below this one, silly heads.)

3. I am stupid/crazy enough to pursue the dream and stupid/crazy enough never to give up. Let's break these two points down, shall we?
3.1 - "You have to be stupid/crazy to pursue the dream of film actor"
EVERYBODY agrees that it is one of the craziest/dumbest things a person could attempt. It's true. If you want some solid evidence, read this hilarious and soul-crushing article on Cracked:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-awful-things-nobody-tells-you-about-being-actor/

Great article, right? It's true, mostly. Anycray, actors be cray. That's why so many acting teachers tell you, "If you could see yourself doing anything else besides acting, DO IT". Everyone agrees that actors are crazy, and if we're going on the assumption that they have moved to California to pursue film, they most assuredly are. You Theatre actors, you're still up-for-grabs in the crazy debate. But you can pretty much guarantee that all actors pursuing film in California are either seriously stupid or have a major screw loose. Or, if you'd like to put a positive spin on those words, you can say that they're "dreamers" or "stubbornly determined". So you know what? Let's use those happy words instead. I'm a stubbornly determined dreamer. That sounds much better AND it keeps the cognitive dissonance from blowing my brain up.

3.2 "You'd have to be stupid/crazy to not give up the dream after years of work towards it and still having not reached it."
While I can't tell you whether I am actually this crazy/stupid/love yet, because I have not invested 15 years in an acting career only to still not give up, I can tell you that as of right now, I am willing to invest 15 years in an acting career and not give up. And I'm fine with that. But who knows, things change...Or do they? No they do. Unless they don't...

4. I have a firm belief that since I'm only going to live once, I might as well try to make it the most extravagant, phenomenal life possible. And if it doesn't work out, which it will, but say my life is tragically cut short somehow as I unnervingly and far-too-frequently imagine it might be, I will have spent my life pursuing a dream that while "stupid" is the only thing I would ever want to spend a lifetime chasing.
There's a quote I just discovered recently that I love that goes a little something exactly like this:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt, "Citizenship in a Republic,"
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

So...in conclusion, I'm a gladiator. Not the Russell Crowe kind.
The kind that spells it "Glad-I-Ate-Her" and laughs for a few minutes, then squashes a bug and drinks some milk.

And if this post has come off as conceited at all, please bear in mind, I'm only turning the pain of working in the food industry into motivation.

VIVE LA FRANCE.

Reasons Why I Must Succeed pt. 1

Lately I've been thinking very positively about my career, particularly in regards to how my personality is well-built for this crazy career choice I've stubbornly and hap-hazardly embarked upon. Here are a few things about me that lead me to believe that I have what it takes to make it in this crazy business. And by "make it", I mean at the least become a professional Actor. Meaning I have NO other job, that is all I do. I act for money. And at the most, a film icon. That'd be sweet, right? Well, that's the plan. "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I've never liked that saying ever since someone pointed out to me that it basically implies, "Settle for mediocrity". But if we stretch our imaginations a little and pretend it instead implies, "Set unrealistically high expectations of yourself, so that even if you don't reach them, you'll still be a God among most humans." Okay, well...nevermind, that's actually worse. Well in any case, the point I'm trying to make, if you'd let me speak for just a moment MOM, is that my moon is Film Legend (fuck icon, I Am Legend) and my stars are Never Having to Work in Food Service Again.

Anyhooters, here are some things that I believe are strengths of mine that will aid me well in my journey to stardom. NO. Moondom.

1. I am in a state of constant self-improvement. I am always learning from my mistakes, from my failures, and making sure they never happen again. Adjusting my actions and in some radical cases, my personality, to be more prepared and superior in the future. It's a problem, because it means that some aspects of myself are more malleable than they should be and sometimes it leads me to having identity crises and thinking that I have no integrity. But it all seems to be worth it when I see the changes I've made to myself pay off in a good way. I've always wondered at what point you stop trying to change yourself for the better and instead just accept that that's the kind of person you are. I'll tell you when I reach that point.

2. I've always been very good at turning pain into motivation. Rejection being such a big part of the biz, I reckon this is a pretty handy skill. When people tell me "Go away, I hate you!" I just want to come at them (bro), and make them love me. Not really, but you get what I mean, right? I mean, there's nothing like someone constantly telling you no to get me all riled up to force them to say yes. It must be the only rebellious bone in my body, as I was a total nerd/teacher's pet in school. So, to quote a big soulful black lady somewhere, "And you, and you, and you, you're gonna love me." Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. This took a weird turn. What I'm basically saying is that I live my life through a strong belief in karma/whimsical, light-hearted revenge, where when I get to say I told you so, it will be terrifyingly spat through a megaphone as my army marches in tight lines before me, and my secret police force descends upon the non-believers. There will be banners with my face strewn across every home, and there will be blood. And it will be the blood of the children and pets of the non-believers.

Like I said, whimsical, light-hearted revenge.

I get it

I get it now. I do.
I get why most of the times when I would run into one of my friends who had already graduated when I hadn't yet, they would have this foreign look in their eyes. This look that said, "Oh yeah, I remember you. Huh." They seemed to be filled with indifference and bitterness, but most of all they just seemed worn down. A tired, toned-down version of their former self. Or at least how I remembered them anyway. I get that look and that behavior now. It's post-college life. It's life itself.

And I don't mean that like, "Ugh, living is so HARD." I mean it in that having graduated and pushed out into the real world to fend for yourself is fucking rough. It's not an easy transition. And moving away can make that transition even harder.

They looked tired because they were. They would appear indifferent because I was in a whole other world. I was still in College. It's a completely different world outside of there, and there's a huge disconnect once you graduate between you and all your friends who are still there. They're still in shows, still going to great parties, still getting drunk every weekend and doing stupid shit. And there's pictures of all of it on facebook. And all you can do is look at them and go, "Oh yeah. I remember that. Those were fun times. Well, they're over now. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys."

Wow, okay, this post has gotten so much darker than I meant for it to get. Like, depressing as shit. Hahaha. Sorry guys, I was just looking at pictures on facebook of friends of mine in a show they had done and it brought me back, and then suddenly I was so angry I wasn't there anymore. I don't know why, but every once in a while post-graduate life just REALLY digs into me. Out of the blue, just random things on facebook (or sometimes in real life) will just catch my attention and remind me of something, and then WHAM, I'm flooded with bitterness. "Why are my friends still in college? They should be out here like me. I've outgrown them. I'll never see them again anyway. We've been living in two different worlds for too long. They're probably different now. They probably suck. I probably suck. No. I'm great. They probably suck."

I guess what I'm saying is I miss my friends. I miss doing college shows. I miss going to college parties and shitty college diners afterwards. I miss taking stupid pictures with my stupid face. I miss stupid things mattering SO MUCH.
I guess I just don't feel mature enough for the real world yet. I'm still so immature. And I do mean that in both ways. I've just got Peter Pan syndrome right now. I don't want to grow up. And being without my friends is making me grow up and be boring. And I don't want that. I literally CAN'T let that happen, either, if I want the career that I want.

Note to self: stop looking at college friend's facebook pictures.

I can only hope the next time I see them I don't give them that same cold, indifferent look my friends gave me. I hope I have not outgrown them.
Womp Womp.
Man, now I gotta write another entry quick so this doesn't linger around the top of my blog and bum people/myself out.

Yo yo yo

Lucy, I got a looooot of 'splainin' to do.
So, it's been a while.
And I'm tired as hell but I'm going to blog regularly if it fucking kills me. And it might if I keep being an idiot and writing only when it's late at night. I can't even think straight this late so I don't write what I want to write about. Geesh, what a conundrum.

So let's just play a little personal life catch up.

Here are some things I've done in the past two weeks:
-Interviewed for a job at Pinkberry
-Got job at Pinkberry. Froyo is my career. Ugh.
-Opened a Chase bank account
-Moved into my new apartment with Miss Ali Grusell. Want a tour? Watch these:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naS1qFRvbtA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dKNczL8f1c
Yes, I know I was holding my phone the wrong way and therefore it looks like shit, and yes, I don't care. It's funny, so check it out.
-Went to register for Central Casting for background work only to find out that I don't have my passport and they don't take photocopies. Mega laaame. It's okay, I have my ways.
-Booked (myself! fuck you, agents) and shot 3 days on set on a tv show called Fatal Encounters on the Investigation Discovery channel. I'll let ya'll know when it's on. I got to smoke a lot of fake pot and improv a lot of wise-cracking stoner lines. And one day I got paid $75 to show up and shoot for an hour and a half. Hot diggity damn!
-Became closer friends with a house full of cool peoples.
-Made a short comedy film with said house of cool people.
-Wrote future short comedy films. Also with said cool people.
-Sang sea shanties with SCP.
-Played some cruel facebook pranks with SCP, including one where we pretended someone who wasn't dead had died, and changing our friend kevin's profile status to "Just found out I'm going to be a father. Wow." and then made his profile picture a sonogram and changed his relationship status to "It's complicated". That was a good one.
-Ate Chipotle for the first time since I've been here. Still delcious.
-Worked out and yoga stretched like a motha. I will be able to do the splits in a year. That is my goal. Also to lift a car.
-Been listening to a lot of Rob Lowe's autobiography on CD, as read by Rob Lowe. It is literally the best autobiography I've ever had read to me.
-And of course been watching the best monster make-up reality tv show ever: Face Off. If you're interested in kick ass monster movie makeup and people competing against each other to make the scariest/most ass-kickiest monster, then Face Off is for you. And if you're not interested in that, I'm not for you. We are not friends.
-Went to three auditions. One for a movie where I would be alongside this guy who's on Breaking Bad and also it features an actual live-recorded pig slaughter. Yikes. And the other was for an All American Rejects music video where I would have played Tyson Ritter (the lead singer you loser) as a high schooler. I thought I was a shoe in for that part, as I look just like the dude. The director thought otherwise. Oh well, c'est la vie. Say la vee. Yup, that way looks way better. And the last one was for a found footage horror movie. Pretty meh all around, but the audition was on the Paramount Pictures movie lot so I felt like a total hot-shit actor rolling up to the front gates and being let in. FREE VALET PARKING YA'LLLLL
-And, well...this was a while ago...but I haven't told many people and it bears more people telling. I went to a legit Speakeasy bar for my friend Alyssa's birthday. I had to go through a wardrobe to get into it. It was craaaazy.

Man, good times. Well, hopefully if I start to blog more I'll be able to get more detailed and write some philosophical entries I've been trying to write for a while. Here's hoping. Probs gonna upload some pics to my facebook tonight too, so go check them out if you want. And I'm pretty sure you do want.

Night ya'll. Seabiscuit out!

HAPPY, NOT DEPRESSED

Hey ya'll, just wanted to do a quickie little update right quick because I got tired of going to my blog page and seeing the giant "Depressed Again" title staring back at me. I feel like people still think I'm depressed, which, I'd like to stress yet again, I am not anymore.

I'm gonna be doing a real big ole mamma jamma update real soon hopefully so check back in a little bit and I'll have something yummy for you to read. Also I think I'm going to post my blog link up on my facebook again. I would post it up every time I made a blog post, but there are certain people I don't especially want reading this. "But Jayme, why don't you just add them to a private list so they can't see it." It's not that simple, yo. I got relatives/business people who I have to let see all my other facebook posts but I would never want to read my blog. But actually, now that I type about it, I think there is a way to make it so only certain people can see it and only for that one specific post so...I'm going to go do that.

If you're reading this after clicking the link from my facebook, you have this post/brainstorming sesh to thank for it.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Again, newer more detailed post coming soon.

Depressed Again

Ugh, why do I do this?
I need A JOB.
Should probably get some insurance for my car first though.
And for the record, his name is Slimer. Or Slimey. Yeah, I like Slimey.
Watched Kung Fu Panda today with Ali and Michael. Still Awesome. The movie and them.
Watched some Avatar: The Last Airbender with them too. Not the Movie. And Amanda. Also still awesome. The tv show and Amanda.
Back to page 56 of The Hunger Games to try and take my mind off my crippling workaholism/lack off work combo!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
No food. Must buy food.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

California

As you may or may not have guessed from the title right above this sentence, this post has something to do with California. And I'll tell you something else before I tell you how California is in any way relevant, and that is this: I am not playing Skyrim anymore. This is why I am blogging for the first time in literally forever.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Hmm...why isn't Jayme playing Skyrim anymore? Did he get tired of it? Did his disc break? Did he beat it? WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY BRAIN!?"
And I'll tell you another thing right now, the answers to those questions are (respectfully) "I'll tell you soon. No. No. NO. And I don't k-no-w." The reason I am not playing Skyrim anymore is because I physically cannot. There is no way for me to because my character, Schmee the Dark Elf Bad-ass Mage Extraordinaire, and my x-box, X the Bad-ass Box Extraordinaire, are both in my house. In Maryland.

"But Jayme", you whine, "I thought you were around your house in Maryland like...all the time. Don't you like...live there? Or something?"

Well stupid, whiny reader of my blog, the answer to that whiny stupid question is "No. I do not live there. Nor do I something there anymore."

I live in California now. Los Angeles California. And honestly, right now it couldn't suck any more.

So...needless to say I don't really feel like writing right now. But I'm doing it, because I haven't in a while and I need to get some things out.

Firstly, okay, fine, it COULD suck more, I'm just feeling very weird and screwed up about the whole situation. Obviously moving to California has been my lifelong dream. I guess I just never thought it would get to this point. Or at least when I did I thought it would be less difficult than this.

My difficulties lie in the fact that I am relatively friendless and am therefore just a quiet slave to the people around me. Not an actual slave, that would not make any sense at all. Just...a quiet, unsure person. I need my friends back. Like, more than just the one or two I have out here (who are AMAZING, don't get me wrong), but I still can't fully be myself yet.

I've seen so much great comedy out here already and I'm worried that I made a mistake coming out here. I'm worried I will never be as good as the people out here are. I don't know if I have what it takes. I'm just...not there. They are so funny.
And it's really bumming me out. The funnier they are, the more I laugh. The more I laugh, the more bummed out I am that I will never live up to and be able to compete with what they are. How am I supposed to do that? I feel so out of place out here.

No family either. Far far away. Without friends and family I feel like I've been stripped of everything that made me me. I hope I don't spiral downwards into a horrible identity crisis and have a psychotic breakdown. That would be unfortunate.

So let's hope it doesn't come to that.
On the other hand, California is like College 2. And every single person is an undergrad, and the time is always Party O'Clock on a Friday night. And the week is always Finals Week When No One Has Finals. And the Month is always Party Month (October). And the season is always Palm Tree season. And the year is always 1999. Which is, as everyone knows, the most partying year of all the years.

Okay, real talk. I'm not hating it out here, I'm just adapting. It just so happens that my adapting is taking the form of shyness and depression.

I just haven't acted or done improv in so long and I'm worried that I can't do it anymore or never could do it or never will do it as good as I need to do it to fulfill my dream. I'm itching so hard to do something to push my career ahead in any way, but all I can do right now is lay back and watch other people be INCREDIBLY funny. And it's killing me. As a workaholic and an actaholic and a laughaholic, I'm going through some pretty serious withdrawal.

Did I mention I'm an Old Maryland Friend-aholic too?
Withdrawal is some nasty business.

Who would have thought that I'd be checking into the Betty Ford Clinic so soon upon arriving in California?