Riled up and Just Plain Fuck

I just did the most angry undressing of my life just now.
You should have seen it. It was pretty ridiculous. Even for me.
Okay, I've got a lot of thoughts right now (whoA! so different from usual!) So please, bear with me.
This was originally just going to be a musing (not to be mistaken with amusing) on life and whether anybody else really takes time out of life to wonder whether they're really living it to the fullest extent, but I just got back from a job interview. Sorry, let me rephrase that, a "job interview" - which was really just me showing up, filling out an application, wasting my motherfucking time, turning it in to the guy to have him tell me that they need at least a year of server experience. PLEASE MOTHERFUCKER, POST THAT SHIT IN YOUR AD ON CRAIGS LIST NEXT TIME. Also, since when the fuck did serving become rocket science? I have worked in jobs that require me to do everything a motherfucking server does, I'm sorry, IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. Just let me do it and show you how fucking awesome I am at it and then kindly stay the fuck out of my way.

Okay, that was the first angst I had to get out. But it unlocked a bunch more angsty thoughts that I need to get out and in general just put an angry spin on all the thoughts I had before, so get ready for some hate and anger-infused thoughts coming at you.

1. Mother Fuck. I don't want to hear one fucking word of complaint from any of you bitches who decided to play it safe and just move your ass up to New York. "Waaa Waaa I'm so far from my family and my friends sometimes I just want to GO HOME." are words that if I ever hear you say, I will fucking kirk out on your asses. I think I'm just realizing today EXACTLY how sheltered I really am. Because even when you go abroad and live somewhere that's not your home for an extended period, there's still the knowledge that you're going back home eventually and eventually all will be restored. You'll be back with mommy and daddy and you'll have all your friends and your room and all your shit and feelings of familiarity and home back again. But you have no fucking grasp of what it's like to move away from everything you've known your whole life. I have always lived in Maryland. Always. I have history there. I know shit there. I have people that should all my best friends be busy, I can call up and they probably won't be. I'll ALWAYS have someone there to talk to should I need to. Sorry, let me rephrase, talk to face to face. You know what? No. Even just TALK TO. I feel like a big reason why I blog is because I'm such a talkative person that if I go for too long without talking to people I really care about about things I really care about, I'll blow the fuck up. And we don't talk on facebook/gmail chat/the phone, so I at least have to have one way conversations with you all to make up for it. And I realize I'm as much to blame here as you are, it's a two-way street obviously. So fuck me too, right? And by the way this is not directed at any one person, it's directed at a bunch of people who I think are my friends but we don't talk anywhere near as much as I want. I feel like we have a very shallow friendship, but we pretend as if we have a very deep one. Maybe my sense of friendship is all kinds of fucked or maybe I'm just PMSing right now which is fucking my brain up, but all this friendship bullshit leads me to my next rant. Don't worry, it's mostly about me this time.


2. Best Friends/Living Life Scared of Taking Social Risks. I don't know what is wrong with me or what happened to me that fucked up my idea of friendship, but I have a very hard time making friends. And I mean TRUE friends. I want to be so much better friends with people than I am but I WON'T let myself. I have gone through life not taking SO MANY risks. I refuse to open up to my friends and I apparently just don't give off the vibe of someone who people should open up to. Maybe because every time somebody does, the only way I know how to make them feel better is to make jokes to make them feel better. Which works, it does. But it feels fake to me. It feels like I'm not making anything better. What I'm saying is, I'm afraid to take risks for friendship. I have been for a long time. I'm afraid to just cold-call a good friend up "just to talk". I'm afraid they'll call me a pussy or a girl or something. I know this is irrational, it is. But I want to have a total "bro" that I talk to all the time. I want a Shawn to my Cory from Boy Meets World. And I refuse to take risks for friends. Call them up to talk? No way, fuck that. Call them up to see what they're doing so we can hang out? No way, fuck that, too risky. What if they think you're desperate and call you out on it? This is my nightmare phone call.
"Hey man, what's up?"
"Oh...hey Jayme. Not much."
"You wanna hang out?"
"Jesus again? We like...JUST hung out. Chill the fuck out dude. You call all the time. You're like a fucking clingy girlfriend."
*Click*
I think I have developed a super insecurity to being the clingy one in ANY relationship. I've developed this super aloofness the minute I learned back in high school that not caring was "cool". So now, I can't appear invested at all in any kind of relationship, girlfriend-wise or friendship-wise. I want to scream to all my friends now living in Maryland: YOU'RE SO AWESOME PLEASE COME TO CALIFORNIA AND BE HERE WITH ME SO WE CAN HANG OUT MORE. But I could never let myself do that. I want to send them all facebook messages with elaborate powerpoint presentations dissecting and breaking down why they should move to California and not Chicago or New York or anywhere else. And it's the most selfish thing in the world for me to do that, but it's what I feel like you should be doing if you have someone you consider a best friend and they're at a crossroad in their life. You should at least TRY to convince them to move where you are. You should take a god damn risk for them because that's what life is about. Taking risks for things you care about. INVESTING in things you care about and SHOWING THEM that you care. But unfortunately, I just can't do that. I don't think I can. Not today, anyway. I wish I could voice class therapy with Leigh Smiley forever until all my problems and issues were gone. Not an option.


3. Really Living Life? Learn an Instrument. Sigh. Okay, I've poured a lot of anger out. Let's try and talk about the thing I wanted to talk about to begin with and see if any more seep out. Really squeeze that snake bite and see if there's any more venom. I was watching a video of some song this morning on youtube. A song I've seen a friend of mine play on the ukelele. And for some reason this triggered me thinking, "I don't play any instrument at all. What have I done with my life?" Sure, I can play a few songs on a few of the most popular instruments of choice, but I have no idea how to actually PLAY an instruments. It seems like all my closest friends play, and I mean are like, SOLID at playing a musical instrument. And then I take a look at my special skills section of my resume and see "Juggling" and "Gamer". What the fuck have I been doing with my childhood/adolescence? I have a friend whose band is playing with CAKE soon. I love music, and I love the idea of playing an instrument, for some reason I just lack every motivation in the world to actually picking one up and fucking learning it. And it's because I've divided all my alone time in my life up until now either playing video games/practicing or preparing for acting/comedy somehow. And I feel like I've gotten so specific, and focused myself in so sharp that I have not lived a good portion of my life that's already gone by. I justify it by saying, "I'll learn to play drums when I'm rich" but what if that day never comes? What if I spend all my life focusing on becoming something, not allowing any time on the side for anything besides video games, a thing I love but unfortunately show NO sign of being a skill anybody is looking for anytime soon, and then never become that something and whither away having not lived life because I was so hyper-focused on that one thing? I think about life far too much sometimes when I should just be fucking living it. "There's always time to play an instrument later" Yeah, but what if you're dead later? Dark thoughts.

Well I sure hope you enjoyed reading this. I can't say I enjoyed writing it. Although maybe I did. I'm sure I'll feel better later because of it. And if you've made it this far you either like me a lot or love reading someone tear apart their psyche and insecurities. I know I do (to both of those things.) Yes, deep down, of course I love MYSELF. I just wish I could tell someone else how much I like them without the guise of a ironic "I love you man".

I hope I'll learn to get better about that kind of thing.
I hope I don't get a lot of people reading this and pitying me or thinking that I'm "in trouble". That's not what I want. I just think too much, that's all. Gotta get it out somehow.
I hope I either go play Diablo right now or go meditate. Or both. Both would be nice.
And most of all I hope I didn't come off sounding like a little bitch or too needy.
Thank you for your time.

4-24-12

Ugggggggggggggggggggggh. Whatever it is I have has NOT improved. It hasn't gotten worse either though, so that's good I guess. But it is fucking with my head. I am just not thinking straight at all.
I'll go into another room for no reason. I'll go to grab a glass of water and end up in the bathroom.
I'll go to an audition today that is actually tomorrow.
And my throat still hurts and my body is basically exploding with heat.
I run hot anyway so when I get a fever I can cook eggs on the sidewalk of my body.
And as sexy as that may sound to some of you, I assure you that the dripping from my nose or my wandering into the next room only to forget what I went there for like grandmom stalking around the retirement home at night will take away some of the sexiness inherent in that activity.
On the plus side I went to two auditions yesterday. Oh yeah, I already told you about them.
See? Little stupid slip-ups like that.
So I'll tell you how they went now.

The first one went alright. The casting lady really likes me and she real nice, so I'll hopefully get cast and hopefully they'll use me for every internet app ad they have ever. But the audition itself was just alright. I was little nervous, actually. I don't know why. Maybe because I thought I had a chance? Weird. Anyjay,
The second one (for The Groundling) went alright too, although I wasn't at my A-game. Not that it mattered, because as far as I could tell, it was basically just advanced advertising for their classes for actors. I believe their words were something very similar to, "We're not judging your acting skills, or even your improv skills, we just want to see whether you can project and openly communicate." So it seemed more like a way to weed out the reaallly socially innept people that somehow manage to hop off the crazy bus and wander (again ala dementia granny or me) into an acting class just to freak people out and make them feel awkward. So for that, I guess that's a good thing. So the way it play out i...98% of the people who auditioned more than likely passed (I did btw. Woot woot! I'm not a total dementia granny!) and now are even more encouraged to come pay them money to take their Basic level classes. Which, from what I gathered, is where the Basics really get covered. Basics like improv games and the like. So...it'll really be about til level 2/3/4ish until I'm really working with people who are like me and really want to make a career out of this hoopla. Sad, cause that's a long time to wait. Happy, cause I took the first step towards getting it over with ASAP.

That was yesterday. Then I went home, wrapped myself in my blanket and tried to rest the sick away. To no avail, apparently. Then today happened. Wasn't too bad actually. Submitted a buncha hunka burning stuff of mine to some peoples who might want me to audition for them. I hope they do. Cause that'd be cool. Then work, which was aight, cept it seemed to drag on forever because of the whole Crap Brain thing. Ughghgbuggle buggle buggle.
We got new work uniforms. They are tight. Gray and dark blue. And PINK buttons.
Swag. Pinkswaggy. Swagberry? Maybe.
TV and rest now.
And fucking water.
Ugh.
Water.
Don't even get me started.
If I have to pee one more god damn time, I'm going to pee right in my mouth.
That is an awful idea and an even worse threat. Why did I think that was a valid thought?
NO ONE LOSES BUT ME.
I must go now, because apparently I am delirious. Also, my planet needs me.
OH FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW. I watched the Sherlock season 2 finale last night and my world was rocked beyond repair. Fuck that show's awesome. Also, it was fun being back in Maryland for the night in my Kevin Spacey costume. Apparently a lot of people really liked it as well!
Yes, it was me. You know me, I can't miss the Helen Hayes awards!

"I'm-a Wario, Imma gonna ween!"
-Wario

4-22-12

First off, let me just tell ya'lls, this will hopefully be the first of many daily blog posts that merely recount my day. You don't have to read them because they will not be as interesting as my other, like, "deep" blog posts, and I'm not going to post up on facebook when I write these ones. I just wanted to stretch my writing muscles more. Thanks to that damn Ira Glass quote. Don't know it? I'll post it at the end of this post. Post. (Leonard likes this post!)

Woke up today to a phone call from my friend telling me I had 15 minutes to get ready for the short sketch we were shooting that morning. Oops! Luckily for me, I had basically nothing to do to prep for it. Put on a shirt. Put pants on. Brush teeth. Put in contacts. Done. Man, being a boy is so easy sometimes. Love it.

So off we went to film what I've affectionately and appropriately dubbed The Rape Sketch. You'll be seeing it all over facebook soon enough, I'm sure. Now don't worry, there's no rape in this sketch, but there is a lot of talk about it. It's gonna be great!

So, I woke up, shot that little monster of a sketch, and then raced home to quickly eat a brunch of eggs and bacon. Put some diced bell peppers in my eggs and it was nice. Also, Frank's Red Hot Sauce. I know it's just a commercial and a slogan and stuff, but I really do put that shit on everything.

By the time I got to work I was feeling even worse than I have been feeling lately. I've been accumulating symptoms every day since Friday. I woke up Friday with a sore throat, Saturday with a headache, and today when I got to work my head was all fuzzy and I kept feeling like I had to sit down. Not dizzy, exactly, just lacking in the strength to stand. This may be the first time in a while I'm coming down with something. Well I really hope I feel better by tomorrow because I've got two auditions then! One for the same people who wanted to book me for this other project, but I couldn't do it because I was already back in MD. And the other for The Groundlings comedy school! I'm excited about that one. I mean, I'm excited for both of them. But I'm especially amped for that one. I still don't know if The Groundlings is the comedy theatre school I want to go with, but auditions are free and are valid for a year, so why the f not. Speaking of that, I'm having a really tough time deciding which comedy school to attend. I want to attend them all, but that's just not possible. So, I must choose between Improv Olympic, Upright Citizen's Brigade Los Angeles, and The Groundlings. I am leaning towards The Groundlings though because that was always my original plan once I got out here, plus there are just so many SNL alum from there that I love/respect/want to be. So...I'm leaning towards them. But they so expensive. =(

Anyway, so I'm not feeling so hot and today at work it totally showed. Oh yeah, another thing that happened at work today. I got a serve my first celebrity. I don't know if you've heard of him. He's a little somebody named DAVID BECKHAM. I had to have somebody tell me it was him. It was embarrassing. But not really. More awesome, but only once I found out. Before that he was just Athletic British Dude in Sweats. He was cool although his oldest son was dressed like a douche. Oh well, there's still hope for the other two. Anyway, cool, right?

I've been eating so much Chipotle lately. It's the cheapest thing to eat near Pinkberry and on my lunch break I ain't got no other choice. Pack my lunch, you say? What am I, a high schooler?

Done. Time to sleep off this ugly bug. Night world!

P.S. Pinkberry hoodie swag coming this week. So jazzed.
P.P.S. If I can get my Pinkberry shift covered this Tuesday night I'll be at a job interview for a server/barista thing at a bowling alley. More money? Yes please.
P.P.P.S. I need more allowance. Yo-de-lay-hee-hoo. Why? Because I do.

Meditations on Meditations

Hey all! I'mmmm back. And with attitude. SO FUCK OFF.
Just kidding, I'm back with the same amount of attitude that I had before.
Anywhozles, just to clear things up for all the avid readers of my live-tweeting (not-so-live-blogging, whatever) of GOT, you might have noticed that I stopped posting after the 8th episode. Well if you watch GoT then you'll know and understand that shit got too real, and I had to stop. Because I didn't even have time to write dumb shit about the episode. I was too busy watching the next episode. But rest easy because I did enjoy those episodes, I did have stupid thoughts on them, and I am current with the show as of right now.

MOVING ON.
(Whoa, maybe I do have a little more attitude?)
TO BE DECIDED LATER
MOVING ON.

Also, as you definitely noticed, being back home certainly did not help with my blogging habits. And I always wondered why it was so hard to blog when I was living in MD, but now I know why. With a house full of people (4/5 depending on the time of day) who are all always love/are up for playing and/or watching something with you, it is hard to find time to do anything. There are just sooo many distractions. But here, luckily, I'm by myself all the time doing nothing whatsoever but crying and making little paper dolls of my friends and loved ones and acting out fun times and conversations we might be having if I weren't living 2,000 miles away. So...plenty of time for blogging as well.

Oh, and meditating.
Because what else do you do in a pretty much empty apartment with lots of down time?
So sit down children because Jayme is going to tell you a story.
This story actually happened a few days before I left for MD, but I didn't have time to blog it out and then once I got to MD it was as good as fucked.
So here it is.

I was meditating one day, after a particularly long streak of meditating. Usually, I forget or simply not have time to meditate a few days out of the week, but this day I had a new record that I forget now but let's just say it was 7 days, for brevity's sake. So I was really in a groove. Now, I know most of the people reading this probably do not practice meditation and either feel like it is a dumbo poo poo hippie waste of time or whether it is something that they would try but just lack the proper instruction/time, like I did. Well, for those people, I'm not going to pretend to be able to instruct you through a meditation session, but here's just a small summary of what I do when I dos it. (And for the other people, eat my butt.)
(a) Get a pillow, set it on the floor, sit on it with just my butt. Sort of an raised indian-style
(b) Set a phone alarm for 25 minutes, hide in under pillow/blanket so the alarm sound is not too jarring when it goes off. Cause that's the last thing you want.
(c) Close my eyes, rest my hands comfortably in my lap, and try my best to think about nothing and just pay attention to my breathing for the next 25 minutes.
(d) Every once in a while, when I'm feeling particularly distracted, I throw in a mantra of "Just be here, in this moment, right now."

That's all. Now you can try it at home! (Kids, don't try this at home). Now, the first time, you probably won't get much out of it and you'll probably be super distracted and thinking about all sorts of random crap. That's okay. That's supposed to happen. If you do that, you're doing it right. But around the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times you'll start reaching a crazy zen place that has to be felt to understand. It's a lot of fun.

ANYWAY, I was in that crazy zen place, right. And I was pretty deep into it. I mean like, knee-deep in that shit. And I started making all these big life realizations. Stuff like, "My whole life has been dictated by fear. How? Why? Oh, because of my brother. That makes sense. That's bullshit. I hate living like that. I'm going to live without fear now." And I did. When the timer went off and I came to, I was more comfortable in my skin then I have been in a long time. So I went and took a shower. And then something weird happened.

I stared into the mirror and cried. Not because of how ugly I am. Or even because of how hot I am (which can be daunting). It was like I was staring at myself through the eyes of Kid-myself. Little Jayme was looking at Big Jayme and was so surprised by what he saw. He did not look like he expected himself to look like. Not in a bad way or a good way, just in a different way. Probably because Kid Jayme was a dumb kid and had no idea how people age. Jeez, Kid Jayme, get your shit together. Anyway, he saw Big Jayme and was so surprised. But mainly, so proud. He looked at his future and was just so happy that here he was, 20-some years later, living in Hollywood. HOLLYWOOD. (well sherman oaks but shutup). Pursuing his dream of becoming a movie actor. I don't think Kid Jayme ever saw that one coming. I mean, it's one of those things that's easy to say, not to do. "Oh yeah, when I grow up I'm going to move to Hollywood and be a big movie actor!" And when you actually do it, it's not...easy to take in. I still don't think I've fully registered where I am and what I'm doing with my life right now. But I do know that Kid Jayme is proud of me and the man I've become. I know because he saw me and he cried. He cried little kid tears of joy. And they came out of Big Jayme. They poured out of him in exactly the same way they would pour out of TV hottie and Mad Men protagMANist Don Draper. They came out of him in the form of B-52 rockets which shot from his eyeballs and exploded the mirror in tiny shards of Doritos Cool Ranch chips. They fell down his face as sharks sticking half-way out of a t-rex's mouth, vomiting gold and lava, do.

It was pretty cool.
So I'm going to stick with meditation.
Until I become a big movie actor that is.
Then I'm going to pay someone to do my meditating for me.

"Thoughts After Having Watched Game of Thrones Episode 8"

I agree with the Imp.
"I like living".
Also, I swear to God, if I have to watch that boy suckle that teet one more time I'm going to freak. I know he didn't do it again in this episode, but HE GOT SO CLOSE.
Ugh.
They knew what they were doing, those sick-ass writers. Teasing the moment like that.
No more really old breast-feeding teasing, okay writers? KThanks.
Oh and there's a war or something. That's cool too.

"Thoughts After Having Watched Game of Thrones Episode 7"

It's true, he did say don't trust him.
But still.
Fuck!
Also there was a dong in this episode.
Not the first, but by far the most memorable.

"Thoughts After Having Watched Game of Thrones Episode 6"

The Imp is a Pimp. That was a risky ass plan and it had like...97 ways of backfiring, but SOMEHOW he still got outta there. Wow.

Also sweet bush flash, Rosaline! Haha. Gratuitous vagina!