Riled up and Just Plain Fuck

I just did the most angry undressing of my life just now.
You should have seen it. It was pretty ridiculous. Even for me.
Okay, I've got a lot of thoughts right now (whoA! so different from usual!) So please, bear with me.
This was originally just going to be a musing (not to be mistaken with amusing) on life and whether anybody else really takes time out of life to wonder whether they're really living it to the fullest extent, but I just got back from a job interview. Sorry, let me rephrase that, a "job interview" - which was really just me showing up, filling out an application, wasting my motherfucking time, turning it in to the guy to have him tell me that they need at least a year of server experience. PLEASE MOTHERFUCKER, POST THAT SHIT IN YOUR AD ON CRAIGS LIST NEXT TIME. Also, since when the fuck did serving become rocket science? I have worked in jobs that require me to do everything a motherfucking server does, I'm sorry, IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. Just let me do it and show you how fucking awesome I am at it and then kindly stay the fuck out of my way.

Okay, that was the first angst I had to get out. But it unlocked a bunch more angsty thoughts that I need to get out and in general just put an angry spin on all the thoughts I had before, so get ready for some hate and anger-infused thoughts coming at you.

1. Mother Fuck. I don't want to hear one fucking word of complaint from any of you bitches who decided to play it safe and just move your ass up to New York. "Waaa Waaa I'm so far from my family and my friends sometimes I just want to GO HOME." are words that if I ever hear you say, I will fucking kirk out on your asses. I think I'm just realizing today EXACTLY how sheltered I really am. Because even when you go abroad and live somewhere that's not your home for an extended period, there's still the knowledge that you're going back home eventually and eventually all will be restored. You'll be back with mommy and daddy and you'll have all your friends and your room and all your shit and feelings of familiarity and home back again. But you have no fucking grasp of what it's like to move away from everything you've known your whole life. I have always lived in Maryland. Always. I have history there. I know shit there. I have people that should all my best friends be busy, I can call up and they probably won't be. I'll ALWAYS have someone there to talk to should I need to. Sorry, let me rephrase, talk to face to face. You know what? No. Even just TALK TO. I feel like a big reason why I blog is because I'm such a talkative person that if I go for too long without talking to people I really care about about things I really care about, I'll blow the fuck up. And we don't talk on facebook/gmail chat/the phone, so I at least have to have one way conversations with you all to make up for it. And I realize I'm as much to blame here as you are, it's a two-way street obviously. So fuck me too, right? And by the way this is not directed at any one person, it's directed at a bunch of people who I think are my friends but we don't talk anywhere near as much as I want. I feel like we have a very shallow friendship, but we pretend as if we have a very deep one. Maybe my sense of friendship is all kinds of fucked or maybe I'm just PMSing right now which is fucking my brain up, but all this friendship bullshit leads me to my next rant. Don't worry, it's mostly about me this time.


2. Best Friends/Living Life Scared of Taking Social Risks. I don't know what is wrong with me or what happened to me that fucked up my idea of friendship, but I have a very hard time making friends. And I mean TRUE friends. I want to be so much better friends with people than I am but I WON'T let myself. I have gone through life not taking SO MANY risks. I refuse to open up to my friends and I apparently just don't give off the vibe of someone who people should open up to. Maybe because every time somebody does, the only way I know how to make them feel better is to make jokes to make them feel better. Which works, it does. But it feels fake to me. It feels like I'm not making anything better. What I'm saying is, I'm afraid to take risks for friendship. I have been for a long time. I'm afraid to just cold-call a good friend up "just to talk". I'm afraid they'll call me a pussy or a girl or something. I know this is irrational, it is. But I want to have a total "bro" that I talk to all the time. I want a Shawn to my Cory from Boy Meets World. And I refuse to take risks for friends. Call them up to talk? No way, fuck that. Call them up to see what they're doing so we can hang out? No way, fuck that, too risky. What if they think you're desperate and call you out on it? This is my nightmare phone call.
"Hey man, what's up?"
"Oh...hey Jayme. Not much."
"You wanna hang out?"
"Jesus again? We like...JUST hung out. Chill the fuck out dude. You call all the time. You're like a fucking clingy girlfriend."
*Click*
I think I have developed a super insecurity to being the clingy one in ANY relationship. I've developed this super aloofness the minute I learned back in high school that not caring was "cool". So now, I can't appear invested at all in any kind of relationship, girlfriend-wise or friendship-wise. I want to scream to all my friends now living in Maryland: YOU'RE SO AWESOME PLEASE COME TO CALIFORNIA AND BE HERE WITH ME SO WE CAN HANG OUT MORE. But I could never let myself do that. I want to send them all facebook messages with elaborate powerpoint presentations dissecting and breaking down why they should move to California and not Chicago or New York or anywhere else. And it's the most selfish thing in the world for me to do that, but it's what I feel like you should be doing if you have someone you consider a best friend and they're at a crossroad in their life. You should at least TRY to convince them to move where you are. You should take a god damn risk for them because that's what life is about. Taking risks for things you care about. INVESTING in things you care about and SHOWING THEM that you care. But unfortunately, I just can't do that. I don't think I can. Not today, anyway. I wish I could voice class therapy with Leigh Smiley forever until all my problems and issues were gone. Not an option.


3. Really Living Life? Learn an Instrument. Sigh. Okay, I've poured a lot of anger out. Let's try and talk about the thing I wanted to talk about to begin with and see if any more seep out. Really squeeze that snake bite and see if there's any more venom. I was watching a video of some song this morning on youtube. A song I've seen a friend of mine play on the ukelele. And for some reason this triggered me thinking, "I don't play any instrument at all. What have I done with my life?" Sure, I can play a few songs on a few of the most popular instruments of choice, but I have no idea how to actually PLAY an instruments. It seems like all my closest friends play, and I mean are like, SOLID at playing a musical instrument. And then I take a look at my special skills section of my resume and see "Juggling" and "Gamer". What the fuck have I been doing with my childhood/adolescence? I have a friend whose band is playing with CAKE soon. I love music, and I love the idea of playing an instrument, for some reason I just lack every motivation in the world to actually picking one up and fucking learning it. And it's because I've divided all my alone time in my life up until now either playing video games/practicing or preparing for acting/comedy somehow. And I feel like I've gotten so specific, and focused myself in so sharp that I have not lived a good portion of my life that's already gone by. I justify it by saying, "I'll learn to play drums when I'm rich" but what if that day never comes? What if I spend all my life focusing on becoming something, not allowing any time on the side for anything besides video games, a thing I love but unfortunately show NO sign of being a skill anybody is looking for anytime soon, and then never become that something and whither away having not lived life because I was so hyper-focused on that one thing? I think about life far too much sometimes when I should just be fucking living it. "There's always time to play an instrument later" Yeah, but what if you're dead later? Dark thoughts.

Well I sure hope you enjoyed reading this. I can't say I enjoyed writing it. Although maybe I did. I'm sure I'll feel better later because of it. And if you've made it this far you either like me a lot or love reading someone tear apart their psyche and insecurities. I know I do (to both of those things.) Yes, deep down, of course I love MYSELF. I just wish I could tell someone else how much I like them without the guise of a ironic "I love you man".

I hope I'll learn to get better about that kind of thing.
I hope I don't get a lot of people reading this and pitying me or thinking that I'm "in trouble". That's not what I want. I just think too much, that's all. Gotta get it out somehow.
I hope I either go play Diablo right now or go meditate. Or both. Both would be nice.
And most of all I hope I didn't come off sounding like a little bitch or too needy.
Thank you for your time.