5-09-12

Hey everybody,

Just wanted to say a little something.

Life is gooood.

I just came to that conclusion.

Maybe it's my realization that things are nice and slow right now instead of 2 fast and 2 furious.

Maybe it's the sriracha I bought the other day and am putting on EVERYTHING.

Maybe it's because I just did a group job interview for an amazing new cafe the other day and am feeling really good
about it. It would be the best job ever. I want it. Ergo it will be mine.

Maybe it's because I'm more than likely about to go out to a gay club and get my drank on.

Maybe it's because Diablo III comes out next week.

Either way, I'm happy right now. Don't care why.

But honestly, it's probably the sriracha.

Wakka wakka wakka!

Ugh

Ugh I'm so tired of writing whiny entries. I feel like all I do is complain and spew out emotion.

I can't decide if it makes me more or less human to vent these emotions but I feel like a big whiny bag of crap who only blogs when he's depressed.

I also realize the irony that this post itself is a whiny blog post about whiny blog posts.

I just can't decide! I feel weird if I blog about my feelings and I feel weird if I don't.

I wish I had as much incentive to write stand-up material as I did to bitch about being insecure sometimes.

I feel like my posts have gotten really boring recently, too. There doesn't seem to be any incentive to entertain the reader. What say ye, reader? Are ye not entertained? If not by my skillful writing, then by my skillful truthiness?

Blarg, I say! Blarg!

Note to children: don't drink and blog.

Mediocrity

Panel 8 of this comic right here:

http://www.xkcd.com/1027/

...is my biggest fear.

And whenever I see my friends being talented it always pops up like an awful little friend.

Sometimes I worry I am not authentic.

Sometimes I worry that I am one of those people who is going to discover their "true calling" at age...like, 35.

There's no logical reason why I feel this way.

Well, I guess there is. It's mainly because I feel like I'm not as good or productive as some of my friends.

I've put them on a pedestal and for some reason can't get over it.

I don't know why I live my life so fast. Why I feel like I have to be working every second to make my life start.

I keep waiting for my life to finally start. I keep looking at this portion of my life as "chapters 5-10 of my autobiography that I write later on". Anyone else do this? Just me? Okay.

I don't know why I can't just be in the moment and enjoy where things are now.

I get worried that all the good ideas and funny things I hear in my head will never come out and will just remain trapped up there as "something to write down later". Or maybe all writers/comedians/actors feel this way at some point?

The problem is that I'm obsessed with taking "the right path" and I can't get it through my thick perfectionist skull that there is no "right path". Whatever path you choose to take is the right path for you.

It's difficult to relax when you know you should be working. And it's difficult to work when you want to relax so badly. Ugh it's such a Catch 22. Like the book.

Twist ending: I've been drinking!
Double twist: I'm not feeling bad right now! I'm never going to give up acting/comedizing in the world so I know it's going to happen for me someday. But I don't want to be a sell-out when it happens and I want it to happen sooner rather than later. And I want it to be BIG AND LOUD, not mediocre and soft. I don't want to be 45 years old and people are JUST starting to hear about me because I played a silly character in some movie starring a comedic actor half my age. Is that wrong? If I want that to happen I should probably start writing some of my comedy down. You know, maybe putting it into sketch or stand-up comedy form. I hear that's generally how comedians like to operate.

In all honesty, I don't know what I would do in life if it weren't acting or comedy, I'm just a little miffed right now because I'm not doing enough of either and it's making me antsy. All will be well.

Shout out to all my homies who got the Cats Don't Dance reference earlier. If you didn't, I'm sorry. You failed.

(Oh and today I sent out headshots/resumes to agencies (FINALLY) and auditioned for some Disney thing rather than work. Oh and interviewed for an AMAZING new cafe for a server position. Turns out the only thing they require is a bitching personality, which we all know I have, so I'm as good as in. Huzzah! Life is good but way bigger and way more gob-smacking than this Maryland boy was ready for. But now he is. So fuck you United States. You're next.)

5-06-12

Hey hey ya'll. Well I had a fun little weekend. I've had a lot of days off lately, and that's been awesome.

This weekend was a fun one. Starting with Friday I went to a callback for the fine folks at JG Wentworth (877-cash now!) for the role of Struggling Benchpresser. I just hope they don't think I'm too jacked for it.

Shut up.

It's a serious concern of mine.

But I met Jack Black and Russell Brand there, which was fun. Only later did I find out that they were not in fact Jack Black or Russell Brand, only mere impersonators. But they turned out to be cool chill broskis so we all exchanged information and friended each other on the facebooks. Networking networking networking, baby! I hate it because it forces me to be social with people I don't know. But I like it because it forces me to be social with people I don't know. I think Russell is going to get it. His benchpresser gym outfit was just too spot on. Plus he was super doofy looking, and I think that's what they wanted.

Then I went and recorded my first legit rap song. More on that later when we shoot the video for it...
But it was a major disappointment when I google'd the rap name I was going to go by (DJ Tanner (like from Full House)) and found out that there already is a well established dj in New York who already thought of this somewhat clever pun.
DAMN YOU DJ TANNER FROM FULL HOUSE FROM NEW YORK!
Sokay. I'll just have to think of a new one.

That night I went out to a bar in West Hollywood for the first time in a while for this girl Bri's bri-thday. Which was...well, pretty lackluster actually. Drank a PBR (I'm broke and can afford nothing else) and then just took silly pictures with my boys until we decided to leave. Went at Chic-Fil-A at one that was open til 3 AM. Whaaaat theeee fuuuuuuudge. It was a great late night treat.

Then Saturday I ate some breakfast at this cafe place that was called the Bungalow but we called The Bunghole. That was the most important part of Saturday. I worked as well, but twas quite boring!

Today I lazed and loafed and lounged the day away. It was great. Finished Summer Heights High. (Only eight episodes? Why hadn't I done this already?) And now I'm downloading a bunch of other shows now that I'll intend on finishing but probably never get around to. (Freaks and Geeks, Louie season 2, Spaced, and Life's Too Short) (Who am I kidding? Those shows are amazing (I hear), of course I'll finish them) (parentheses)

Exciting day tomorrow. Another audition, for a kid's tv interviewer guy, and a job interview for a serving position! And hopefully I'll finally send my headshots/resumes out to my friend's agencies as well.

Well I'm outties for the night.
Also I'll be taking suggestions for my new rap name. Preferably starting with the letter "DJ" or "MC" and preferably really stupid.

Night night my babies!

4/28 - 5/03

Okay, so that "update" that was supposed to happened yesterday didn't. And I know your mad, but come on baby, just let me put the tip in. It'll be alright again soon. Just let me soothe you with words. I can fix everything.

So, I had a pretty nice weekend/early week. And today was my day off, so if I can't find the time to update on my day off I never will.
First and foremost I want to address the last real post on here that was full of a crazy amount of emotion. I want to thank everybody who sent me their support or kind words. They really helped. And I feel much better now. Something somebody told me helped me come to a mini-epiphany. For some reason I was imagining myself all the way over here as some sort of prison. A man sent to the other side of the country, entirely isolated from his friends, told to start over from scratch, while he has to constantly read/hear about how much fun his friends are having. Sounds like hell to me. But that's not how it is. It's not a goodbye forever (although it may sometimes feel that way) it's more of a "goodbye for now, grandma's not really dead she's still here in spirit" kind of deal. We're all out doing our own things right now (except for you losers who are still in college) and our locations seem to be changing constantly. And the United States are NOT that big. So instead of moping about how far away from my friends I am, I'm going to try and make as many new ones out here as I can, talk to my old friends as much as I can online/skype/on the phone, and then the one's that really matter and who are truly important to me will make an effort to stick around in my life, just like I'll make an effort to stick around in theirs. Distance away does not equal emotional distance away. It usually is just way better if your friends can be near you 24/7. I don't know, it doesn't sound like a huge change in philosophy, but it's helped me come to terms with being out here a lot. Now all you fuckers who don't live in California need to move your asses out here before I have to stalk your asses down and talk your ear off/show you well thought out powerpoint presentations until you agree to do it. Don't make me do it. I know how to do the advanced slide transitions.

Well. Glad that's all wrapped up. Here's my weekend, coming at'cha!

Friday Night: Saw "What About Dick?" in downtown LA at this very nice, fancy-pants theatre called the Orpheum. Good show, stellar cast. Worth the money just for the cast alone. Who's in the cast, you ask? Well allow me to brag right quick. Russell Brand, Eric Idle, Tim Curry, Eddie Izzard, Billy Connolly, Tracy Ullman, and two other actory ladies. British comedy ROYALTY. It was amazing to see them all on stage together. There's a tiny blurry video on my facebook if you wanna see the final number.

Saturday: Worked from 7 AM to 2 pm. Got home, relaxed. Slept maybe? No, not nap, that's right. But I did go out to dinner with Ali (roommate shout-out!), her parents, and Amanda (regular non-roommate shout-out!). We went to this pizza place called...fuck, I have no idea what it's called anymore. It was pretty damn good too. Especially because Ali's parents paid which was NICE. Then I got home that night and started memorizing/writing a script for these two news stories for an audition the next day.

Sunday: More memorizing of the scripts that I wrote. Apparently a very funny script, but I just could NOT memorize it all by the time of the audition so I was totally nervous and freaked out in the waiting room the whole time. I didn't want to have to use my sides, but there came where I just went, "I don't have this memorized, I'm just going to use them. It would be stupid not to." So I did, naturally they auditors gave no shits, and I made the dude laugh a few times. So I hope I get call from those folks in a few weeks. I'd share more details about the gig but I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, mine included, until something actually happens. Then I was going to go to the Channel 101 show that night, but instead went to the mybrainhumor house and hung out and smoked some. I was still pretty bummed from friday.

Monday - Wednesday: A whole lot of work, but a gradual increase in mood due to kind words via comments on here, facebook messages, and skype talks. Which I just realized only further proves that friends can work wonders even while thousands of miles away. Yay friends, I love friends! Also this week: a butt-ton of auditions! Which is to say 2 auditions! But for crazy cool commercials, so it was a big deal. One for JG Wentworth (877 cash now!) that would be fun to get (callback tomorrow bitches) and one for a karaoke video game commercial, which would also be awesome to get. And I got a call today from this commercial audition I did a couple weeks ago that I'm in the running for the part on that one too! So thing's are looking up. Oh, fun things I did last night: Got trashed and went out to a UCB show. Solid use of a Wednesday night, methinks.

And then today was my day off so I just slept in, dicked around, caught up on my GoT, and read a lot of stuff about Diablo III. DIABLO III. I'm so excited for this game. I realize I will probably be killing so much time playing it, time that should be spent advancing my career or making money or something but fuck it! I just want to slay demons from May 15th onwards and if you're my true friends you'll move to LA and do the same.

Welp that pretty much wraps my week up. Oh, yeah, I also bought curtains so the sun doesn't wake me up everyday at 7 AM, a laundry hamper, and a bunch of clothes hangers which are SO necessary. Oh shit! I almost forgot. To buy those things I had to go to IKEA where my dear roommate (roommate shout-out number 2!) introduced me to IKEA's amazing 15 ball Swedish meatball lunch for 3.99 baby. If you're a cool kid who LOVES eating yummy foods and LOVES saving money, do yourself a favor and go eat at an IKEA, you'll be glad you did. Do like Jayme does and put some balls in your mouth.

In conclusion, balls. But also, I was thinking of doing little contests on this blog where people who read and defeat questions/challenges I pose to you win fun prizes. Does this sounds like something you'd like to happen? I'm letting the people decide! Post a comment below if you like this and want to win everything. First and last person to comment get a special prize!

As usual, G'night everybody. Eat your vegetables. (ewwwwwww i ate asparagus and liked it does this mean I have to turn in my little kid card? ugggggggggh i hate liking green things)

NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE JAYME SOMETHING SOMETHING

Feelin' fine.

Guh, weekend/today/yesterday update coming soon. Like...tomorrow? I swears it.

Riled up and Just Plain Fuck

I just did the most angry undressing of my life just now.
You should have seen it. It was pretty ridiculous. Even for me.
Okay, I've got a lot of thoughts right now (whoA! so different from usual!) So please, bear with me.
This was originally just going to be a musing (not to be mistaken with amusing) on life and whether anybody else really takes time out of life to wonder whether they're really living it to the fullest extent, but I just got back from a job interview. Sorry, let me rephrase that, a "job interview" - which was really just me showing up, filling out an application, wasting my motherfucking time, turning it in to the guy to have him tell me that they need at least a year of server experience. PLEASE MOTHERFUCKER, POST THAT SHIT IN YOUR AD ON CRAIGS LIST NEXT TIME. Also, since when the fuck did serving become rocket science? I have worked in jobs that require me to do everything a motherfucking server does, I'm sorry, IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. Just let me do it and show you how fucking awesome I am at it and then kindly stay the fuck out of my way.

Okay, that was the first angst I had to get out. But it unlocked a bunch more angsty thoughts that I need to get out and in general just put an angry spin on all the thoughts I had before, so get ready for some hate and anger-infused thoughts coming at you.

1. Mother Fuck. I don't want to hear one fucking word of complaint from any of you bitches who decided to play it safe and just move your ass up to New York. "Waaa Waaa I'm so far from my family and my friends sometimes I just want to GO HOME." are words that if I ever hear you say, I will fucking kirk out on your asses. I think I'm just realizing today EXACTLY how sheltered I really am. Because even when you go abroad and live somewhere that's not your home for an extended period, there's still the knowledge that you're going back home eventually and eventually all will be restored. You'll be back with mommy and daddy and you'll have all your friends and your room and all your shit and feelings of familiarity and home back again. But you have no fucking grasp of what it's like to move away from everything you've known your whole life. I have always lived in Maryland. Always. I have history there. I know shit there. I have people that should all my best friends be busy, I can call up and they probably won't be. I'll ALWAYS have someone there to talk to should I need to. Sorry, let me rephrase, talk to face to face. You know what? No. Even just TALK TO. I feel like a big reason why I blog is because I'm such a talkative person that if I go for too long without talking to people I really care about about things I really care about, I'll blow the fuck up. And we don't talk on facebook/gmail chat/the phone, so I at least have to have one way conversations with you all to make up for it. And I realize I'm as much to blame here as you are, it's a two-way street obviously. So fuck me too, right? And by the way this is not directed at any one person, it's directed at a bunch of people who I think are my friends but we don't talk anywhere near as much as I want. I feel like we have a very shallow friendship, but we pretend as if we have a very deep one. Maybe my sense of friendship is all kinds of fucked or maybe I'm just PMSing right now which is fucking my brain up, but all this friendship bullshit leads me to my next rant. Don't worry, it's mostly about me this time.


2. Best Friends/Living Life Scared of Taking Social Risks. I don't know what is wrong with me or what happened to me that fucked up my idea of friendship, but I have a very hard time making friends. And I mean TRUE friends. I want to be so much better friends with people than I am but I WON'T let myself. I have gone through life not taking SO MANY risks. I refuse to open up to my friends and I apparently just don't give off the vibe of someone who people should open up to. Maybe because every time somebody does, the only way I know how to make them feel better is to make jokes to make them feel better. Which works, it does. But it feels fake to me. It feels like I'm not making anything better. What I'm saying is, I'm afraid to take risks for friendship. I have been for a long time. I'm afraid to just cold-call a good friend up "just to talk". I'm afraid they'll call me a pussy or a girl or something. I know this is irrational, it is. But I want to have a total "bro" that I talk to all the time. I want a Shawn to my Cory from Boy Meets World. And I refuse to take risks for friends. Call them up to talk? No way, fuck that. Call them up to see what they're doing so we can hang out? No way, fuck that, too risky. What if they think you're desperate and call you out on it? This is my nightmare phone call.
"Hey man, what's up?"
"Oh...hey Jayme. Not much."
"You wanna hang out?"
"Jesus again? We like...JUST hung out. Chill the fuck out dude. You call all the time. You're like a fucking clingy girlfriend."
*Click*
I think I have developed a super insecurity to being the clingy one in ANY relationship. I've developed this super aloofness the minute I learned back in high school that not caring was "cool". So now, I can't appear invested at all in any kind of relationship, girlfriend-wise or friendship-wise. I want to scream to all my friends now living in Maryland: YOU'RE SO AWESOME PLEASE COME TO CALIFORNIA AND BE HERE WITH ME SO WE CAN HANG OUT MORE. But I could never let myself do that. I want to send them all facebook messages with elaborate powerpoint presentations dissecting and breaking down why they should move to California and not Chicago or New York or anywhere else. And it's the most selfish thing in the world for me to do that, but it's what I feel like you should be doing if you have someone you consider a best friend and they're at a crossroad in their life. You should at least TRY to convince them to move where you are. You should take a god damn risk for them because that's what life is about. Taking risks for things you care about. INVESTING in things you care about and SHOWING THEM that you care. But unfortunately, I just can't do that. I don't think I can. Not today, anyway. I wish I could voice class therapy with Leigh Smiley forever until all my problems and issues were gone. Not an option.


3. Really Living Life? Learn an Instrument. Sigh. Okay, I've poured a lot of anger out. Let's try and talk about the thing I wanted to talk about to begin with and see if any more seep out. Really squeeze that snake bite and see if there's any more venom. I was watching a video of some song this morning on youtube. A song I've seen a friend of mine play on the ukelele. And for some reason this triggered me thinking, "I don't play any instrument at all. What have I done with my life?" Sure, I can play a few songs on a few of the most popular instruments of choice, but I have no idea how to actually PLAY an instruments. It seems like all my closest friends play, and I mean are like, SOLID at playing a musical instrument. And then I take a look at my special skills section of my resume and see "Juggling" and "Gamer". What the fuck have I been doing with my childhood/adolescence? I have a friend whose band is playing with CAKE soon. I love music, and I love the idea of playing an instrument, for some reason I just lack every motivation in the world to actually picking one up and fucking learning it. And it's because I've divided all my alone time in my life up until now either playing video games/practicing or preparing for acting/comedy somehow. And I feel like I've gotten so specific, and focused myself in so sharp that I have not lived a good portion of my life that's already gone by. I justify it by saying, "I'll learn to play drums when I'm rich" but what if that day never comes? What if I spend all my life focusing on becoming something, not allowing any time on the side for anything besides video games, a thing I love but unfortunately show NO sign of being a skill anybody is looking for anytime soon, and then never become that something and whither away having not lived life because I was so hyper-focused on that one thing? I think about life far too much sometimes when I should just be fucking living it. "There's always time to play an instrument later" Yeah, but what if you're dead later? Dark thoughts.

Well I sure hope you enjoyed reading this. I can't say I enjoyed writing it. Although maybe I did. I'm sure I'll feel better later because of it. And if you've made it this far you either like me a lot or love reading someone tear apart their psyche and insecurities. I know I do (to both of those things.) Yes, deep down, of course I love MYSELF. I just wish I could tell someone else how much I like them without the guise of a ironic "I love you man".

I hope I'll learn to get better about that kind of thing.
I hope I don't get a lot of people reading this and pitying me or thinking that I'm "in trouble". That's not what I want. I just think too much, that's all. Gotta get it out somehow.
I hope I either go play Diablo right now or go meditate. Or both. Both would be nice.
And most of all I hope I didn't come off sounding like a little bitch or too needy.
Thank you for your time.