Mediocrity

Panel 8 of this comic right here:

http://www.xkcd.com/1027/

...is my biggest fear.

And whenever I see my friends being talented it always pops up like an awful little friend.

Sometimes I worry I am not authentic.

Sometimes I worry that I am one of those people who is going to discover their "true calling" at age...like, 35.

There's no logical reason why I feel this way.

Well, I guess there is. It's mainly because I feel like I'm not as good or productive as some of my friends.

I've put them on a pedestal and for some reason can't get over it.

I don't know why I live my life so fast. Why I feel like I have to be working every second to make my life start.

I keep waiting for my life to finally start. I keep looking at this portion of my life as "chapters 5-10 of my autobiography that I write later on". Anyone else do this? Just me? Okay.

I don't know why I can't just be in the moment and enjoy where things are now.

I get worried that all the good ideas and funny things I hear in my head will never come out and will just remain trapped up there as "something to write down later". Or maybe all writers/comedians/actors feel this way at some point?

The problem is that I'm obsessed with taking "the right path" and I can't get it through my thick perfectionist skull that there is no "right path". Whatever path you choose to take is the right path for you.

It's difficult to relax when you know you should be working. And it's difficult to work when you want to relax so badly. Ugh it's such a Catch 22. Like the book.

Twist ending: I've been drinking!
Double twist: I'm not feeling bad right now! I'm never going to give up acting/comedizing in the world so I know it's going to happen for me someday. But I don't want to be a sell-out when it happens and I want it to happen sooner rather than later. And I want it to be BIG AND LOUD, not mediocre and soft. I don't want to be 45 years old and people are JUST starting to hear about me because I played a silly character in some movie starring a comedic actor half my age. Is that wrong? If I want that to happen I should probably start writing some of my comedy down. You know, maybe putting it into sketch or stand-up comedy form. I hear that's generally how comedians like to operate.

In all honesty, I don't know what I would do in life if it weren't acting or comedy, I'm just a little miffed right now because I'm not doing enough of either and it's making me antsy. All will be well.

Shout out to all my homies who got the Cats Don't Dance reference earlier. If you didn't, I'm sorry. You failed.

(Oh and today I sent out headshots/resumes to agencies (FINALLY) and auditioned for some Disney thing rather than work. Oh and interviewed for an AMAZING new cafe for a server position. Turns out the only thing they require is a bitching personality, which we all know I have, so I'm as good as in. Huzzah! Life is good but way bigger and way more gob-smacking than this Maryland boy was ready for. But now he is. So fuck you United States. You're next.)