Breaking the Habit, in reverse!

Okay, I realize that this has happened so many time that it has turned into comical absurdity. "But Jayme..." you start to ask, "...what the hell are you talking about?" you finish asking. I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me constantly saying (to myself and in the first sentence of every blog post) "alright im gonna be writing in this a lot more often. SERIOUSLY. I'm gonna write in this thing like it's my JOB." and then like three months will go by with nothing posted. And then a post saying "Fuck. That didn't work. But seriously, this time is IT! BLOG CITY, BABY. POPULATION: ME." Lather, rinse, repeat.

So Seriously. This time will be different. Because I have to do lists now. I am structured and organized and I am getting into the mother fucking habit. And I'm going to start by writing my thoughts recently. I shall call it: "On Ambition"

"On Ambition"
So, the combination of me watching an interview with Colin Firth on Conan(?. Was it Conan? No. No it wasn't. It was Jimmy Fallon.), watching Scent of a Woman, (btw worst name for a movie EVER) and drinking, I came to some very weird conclusion. The Colin Firth thing led to me believe that I need to stop trying so hard. He doesn't try at ALL and he looks so relaxed all the time. Above all, I want to be relaxed and not come off as if I'm desperate or trying really hard to be funny or appear interesting. So I want to try less hard I guess? Not really. I don't know how to put it exactly.

The big thing I came to was from watching SOAW (pretty sure I'm the only person whose ever abbreviated it that way). I had a weird realization that maybe I'm trying too hard to become rich and famous too fast. That's always been my main goal, but if I just do that for the first ten years of my life, am I ever going to really live life and have a bunch of weird, bizarre, enriching experiences. You always hear celebrity actors, comedians in particular, talking about the shit jobs they had before they got famous or the weird places they went before they were famous. I came to this weird realization that maybe I should do what Kyra's gonna do and just hobo around for a few years. I mean, that sounds really weird, but I thought it was a good idea. Typing it out right now, it's not appealing to me as much anymore, but back then it was really appealing. I feel as if I'm constantly pushing and pushing and pushing myself to further my career as fast as possible that I'm not taking any time to relax and just let life happen. Because whatever happens, it's going to be good. But that mindset also scares the crap out of me because that's the kind of mindset that winds you up married with kids and a temp job that becomes your real job and before you know it, you're 50 and your life is gone. BAM. And that's the last thing I want. Except at least I'd be happy in that life.

A big thing I'm wrestling with is the fucking asshole idea that kurt put into my head a few months ago. "Do you want fame or artistic (comedic) fulfillment?". And at first I immediately answered "uh...fame. duh." But after thinking about it for more than 5 seconds, I realize that I would be happy just making people laugh every day. But my ultimate goal is the fame, because that's my attention whore side of myself going "YOU MUST BE RECOGNIZED" and I don't think I want that part of me to go away, stupid as it is, because it's the only drive I have pushing me towards a goal. Without a goal of stardom, I have no goal. And without a goal, I can't really function. I'm pretty sure I need goals. But there's something inside of me when it comes to goals that is super freaking into doing them as fast as possible. That might be the mortality complex that I have where I'm afraid of dying, even though of course it has to happen. So because I'm afraid of dying, I always feel like I have to achieve everything as soon as possible because I could die any second. I mean, not really, but kinda. You know what I mean, don't you interwebs?

Well I might expound a little bit upon this topic later (why am i a douchebag harvard professor right now) but I am hungover from last nights gallivanting and drinking last night. Mainly the drinking. I don't get gallivanting hangovers anymore.

Damn son! I just looked at what I wrote. That's a lot! Like...a butt-ton!
From now on my entries probably will not be like this unlike I have another weird life shaking realization. I'm just tryna journal my days from now on. Like my old LJ.
Also I just realized that I should make this bitch public asap because if I'm not writing for an audience this might be pointless. If I am writing for an audience my writing might also be funnier. Or more interesting. Or at least more audience friendly.